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Wednesday, July 30, 2014

The follow through (this isnt about Golf swings)

If you don't stop, we are going home this instant! How many of you heard this?  But who says "this instant" anymore. Answer no one.

Remember when your family went on a road trip?  Then all of a sudden the energy and anticipation is to much for you and your siblings and you all start going bat shit crazy? Then a parent makes the statement like "if you do that one more time we will not .......". But it happens again. Then you get the "I mean it". Then you all are almost there and it's "we will turn the car around!" IT NEVER HAPPENED. You hit your sister like 7 times in the 1st hour of the drive! Nothing changed except maybe a back hand comes flying that completely misses because your mom didnt have the hand eye coordination to complete such an act. THERE WAS NO FOLLOW THROUGH. 

We all pushed the limits on our parents to borderline insanity. The car never got turned around, the toy never really got handed to a "kid who will appreciate it more", and I did "go out that weekend." I feel like our parents were either the drill sergeant or the boy who cried wolf. It was insanely strict or insanely harmless. Some parents were both depending on what child they were dealing with. 

You want your kids to understand you mean business when you say something like "you do not get Ice cream, or the new toy or, go to so and so's" then actually FOLLOW THROUGH WITH IT

One night I was at work and I'm helping this young couple of three kids. All under the age of 4 and these parents were maybe 30 at best.

Lets all take a moment and pray for them......... Amen.

Well their kids hit the breaking point while the dad is trying on a suit. (Future note: suits take time to get right. So don't come in 30 minutes before closing with 3 kids hopped up on fro-yo and expect them to be mild mannered children when it's 25 mins passed bed time) the mom and dad kept saying "if you don't stop I'm taking the iPad away".

Yes IPad 3 kids under 4 working the IPad. A 300-500 dollar item is in the trusted hands of a preschooler and her toddler siblings.

So the IPAD was threaten to be taken away about 11-13 times in the 30 mins I had to get him in a "suit and tie" "suit and tie" "suit and tie" (shout out to Justin timberlake). There was no follow through. Now I understand why . Your inside Nordstrom you dont want a bigger melt down. But the kids never flinched, DID NOT FLINCH when the IPAD was threaten. They kept their little asshole faces glued to the angry birds game. Probably because it was a pattern of behavior. It seemed like there wasn't ever much follow through on the threats they've heard before.
If you want to correct the kids behavior make the follow through happen. Starting now. Right now. Go and take your kids toy away for no reason at all. I'll wait.

.......... Ok good.

 The next time your sweet child is getting out of line. You layeth the smacketh down. Strong and firm. So when you say "if you do that again, I'm taking your toy away". And the little asshole gives you the stink eye and tests you. You snatch up that toy and watch them cry. Well don't really watch them cry just walk away and put the toy up on the fridge. You explain to them that you told that 30lb devil not to do something and they did it, so there. Let them know they can "earn" their toy back through community service or it will be release early on good behavior.  

Make your word, Your Word. Its like the BIBLE but not from God. They will learn and act accordingly when out in public (for the most part). They will understand daddy means his shit and they won't get ice cream if they start acting all Miley Cyrus/Justin bieber (Sorry if your reading this Billy ray and mr mrs bieber, but your daughter and son are NUCKING FUTS)

Who loves watching the "counting to 3" parents as much as I do? If you're one of those parents stop doing it. It's not good for them. Their learning to test the boundaries and will push it a little more and more each time. When that little terror becomes a teenager are you gonna count to 20? 

I'm at this park that little man and I frequent. And this one little kid is just running around, throwing fistfuls of sand at other kids. He was saying a catch phrase with it too. Which I found amusing, until little man got tagged with sand to the back of his dome piece. I told this kid its not nice to throw sand and to not do it anymore. The mom comes over tells her dickhead kid to apologize and he runs off. So she apologizes for her son. I told her she doesn't have to apologize she wasn't the one who threw the sand. So this future 2 time felon does it again but this time to this sweet little girl just learning to walk. Maybe 13 months old. BAM right to the grill. Girl falls backs trying to gag sand out of her mouth. The little girl's mom literally SHRIEKS and comes FLo-Jo sprinting to her daughters aid. Like she was being ambushed by a rabid wolf pack. So I see this one mom count to 3. Then 5. Then 10.  She then loses her mind and just snatched her kid up. So fast I swear I saw that road runner  Looney Tunes shiloette cloud. They disappear in their car and take off. 

There probably isn't much follow through. The kid didnt feel the need to apologize and he watch his mom count to ten. Either this kids parent ALLOW this maniac act like this due to not following through with punishments or this kid has Lance Armstrong denial of PED size BALLS. Well I guess Lance's ball (singular) isn't that big if he did take steroids. Well that's the rumored side effect of that any ways. 

No follow through. Yes your kid will get upset. Get over it!!!!  They will... eventually. Your job as a parent isn't to be their best friend, it's to raise a person who will eventually be a positive part of the community not jail. 

Follow through. It's good for them. And will save you a few gray hairs down the road.

Friday, July 25, 2014

Building them up.

Building confidence

My son started swimming class just a few days ago. He was not pleased to be in the pool with a total stranger that he met 10 mins prior. He cried. He screamed "DADDY, SAVE ME". He tried to climb out of the instructors hands.  Even though he wasn't really participating, I was cheering him on in all the little things he was willing to do. He crab crawled on the wall. Now even though he has been doing this for a year and a half now. I cheered him on like an over enthusiastic little league dad. I clapped hard. I cheered loudly. I let him know that I was watching and he was doing a great job. Throwing the pool toy. Putting his head under water. Blowing bubbles. You would of thought my son was trying to make the US Olympic squad. I was letting him know that he can do this. Afterwards I mentioned "How PROUD of him I was" about 30 times in the 3 hours from when he classed ended and when he fell asleep. In hopes that the next class would be a better day.

AND IT WAS. All the other parents were shocked. SHOCKED. That my crying and screaming mini me was not only participating in the class but excelling in it. He was jumping in to the pool. Swimming under water. Even cheering his classmates on.

To build up your child's confidence, all they need is....Praise. Positive reinforcement. This isn't boot camp. They don't need to be torn down to be brought back up. They are toddlers, babies, high schoolers.

Building confidence means being a - mirror/positive self image
It's like how Justin Timberlake said in "Mirrors"

It's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me
I couldn't get any bigger
With anyone else beside of me
And now it's clear as this promise
That we're making two reflections into one
'Cause it's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me, staring back at me-

A lot of your child's self-image comes not only from what the child sees in him/herself, but from how they think others see them.This all comes from reactions that parents, friends, and family make. My son said  "Daddy, I'm a shy boy". I asked him why does he think this? "Because (his preschool friend) said so". I told him "Buddy you're not shy. You are very brave. You approach kids in the park and make new friends all the time. Now would a shy boy do that?" He stood there for a moment and thought about what I said. "No".

Building confidence also means  - Playing/having fun together.
Kids associate a lot of there confidence to play time. It sounds weird but I tell you its true. If your kid is sitting alone in their room and playing by themselves they will think they are boring and not fun. So the moment you see your kid playing by themselves and you are reading your facebook feed or twitter news. Put down the phone and give them some play time. AND JUST PLAY. Don't critique them. Don't tell them "that's not how this works", "superman doesn't need a plane", just play. Have fun.

Building confidence also means - Don't be fake.
Kids can read you better then you think. They know when they are being bamboozled by a phony voice and smile. You don't have to be the "Wiggles" or "Barney" every time. When they do something and you're not on your A Game because you haven't had your mocha latte yet. Don't fake the funk. But when you do have that sweet sweet caffeinated drink coursing through your veins, bring up that "thing they did again" and be a little more energetic about it.

Friday, March 7, 2014

My son calls super heroes by their first name

    (My son and I dressed up as superheroes on our way to trader joes, because he refused to let me change) 
Side note - the cape was my Christmas present from him. He is awesome. 

"Ironman is Tony Stark, I'm Tyson" - my son yelled to a lady when she called him Ironman.  The lady apologized. As she should. The real ironman is definitely not 3 feet tall. Idiot. 

My son calls super heroes by their secret identity. I believe it's because he feels they're on the same level. He calls Superman - Clark kent, the hulk - Bruce Banner, Spider-Man - Peter Parker, wolverine - Logan. But where my son takes it to far is Batman. My son has the nerve to call The Cape Crusader -Bruce Wayne. The nerve of this kid!  I kept correcting him and every time he looks at me like I'M THE ONE OUT OF LINE! The balls on this kid. The Dark Knight he calls by his Christian Name! Who the hell does my son think he is!? 

All jokes aside he takes this superhero business serious. He wants to learn the secret identity, how did he get his powers, what can his powers do, who is he friend with, and does he have a cool ride? 

He asks these questions a few times but he get them down and then has the need to remind the individual who taught him this shit. I'm like "dude, I was in comic books back when "one rolled up pant leg" (a la LL cool J) was cool. 

I'm hoping this calling superheroes by their government name is somehow weirdly connected to his confidence. And that he sees superheroes as equals because he feels he is equally as cool. 

Friday, February 7, 2014

Proof reading -

I don't do it. Most of the time I'm typing with my left hand (I'm right handed) on my I-Suck while I'm rocking my baby girl to sleep (she likes to be held with my right arm). That's when I do 99% of my writing. I'm so tired that when it's finished I just publish it. It's 100% me. Imperfections and all. 

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

I'm so tired. so so tired

My sweet little princess is teething. Thank you for your sympathy my fellow parents. Last night my little baby girl woke up 4 times last night. At 230pm today it feels like she was up every 15 minutes. If someone were to give me the option of being water-boarded torture or sleep like i did last night. I would of picked torture. And on top of all of it I'm sick. Yeah me! Where is my sympathy parade! I want CONFETTI!!! 

That is all. 

Monday, February 3, 2014

Informing your first prisoner he is about to get a cellmate.

When my wife told me that she was pregnant, I was extremely excited. But then I remembered.....we already have one.

How are we going to get our little man on board with the thought of having another monster, I mean, beautiful little darling child running around. (just in case if in the future my children are reading this...daddy loves you) How are we gonna make sure that our 1st continues to feel the attention he needs and make sure that #1 continues to feel loved. All these questions!

The first thing we did was explain to child numero uno (and that's not in order of importance, but order of birth) that mommy has a baby in her belly. And number 1 is going to be a BIG BROTHER! if i could put his reaction into words it would be "joy, mixed with confusion, dash of an off putting look, stirred with a hint of anger". 
(Brownie added to soften the blow) 

For my lady readers it was like the look you give a friend who is crazy slutty gets engaged before you. For my guys, imagine your happily married church going friend gets invited to the playboy mansion for the halloween party or any party for that matter it's the FREAKING PLAYBOY MANSION. (Both situations you're thinking it should of been me)

Then the announcing, the gatherings, and the congratulations occur! And the 1st one is feeling neglected. So we did a lot, A LOT of prep work. As if we were getting him ready to take the BAR Exam. We dropped DOLLA DOLLA bills y'all on books and movies (ill list these at the end). We even called his curious George monkey (this auntie Kristin) his "baby". He even put a diaper on it. Even for this guy, it was cute.

So the day arrives nĂºmero dos is here (once again not in order of importance or favoritism just birth order). It's time to do the meet and greet. My wife read when you're gonna introduce the siblings have the new born in the crib incubator push cart thing and have the older sibling sit with mommy and introduce the baby to him. That way he/she isn't walking on the new cool guy snuggling up with his momma. So that's what we did and it went PERFECT! We also told our little guy that his baby sister brought him a present as a thank you for sharing his mommy and daddy. The deal was sealed. He was/is in love with his baby sister.

Now the reality sets in. You're home with the baby. And now #1 is feeling a little neglected. People are coming over to visit the baby. They're gushing, gooing, and going crazy over a new baby. 

One thing all those stupid big brother books didnt mention was how the parents are going to be when the baby is here.  We didnt explain to him that new babies don't sleep well and mommy and daddy will be on edge for awhile. So maybe cut back on the "Mickey Mouse club house" demands.  It didnt explain that babies need lots of attention because they can't do anything. And it sure as hell didnt explain that mommy and daddy won't be able to just put the baby down and play. Fucking books! I want my money back! 

My wife and I made a conscience effort to make sure little man doesn't feel neglected. That means "man on man defense". We can't both be focused on the baby. Sure for short moments, but we can both just be staring at the newest release for hours on end. 

So we planed "mommy son dates" and "guys nights" an "just the three of us" times. 
Here is what we did when the newest version is released to the home.
"Mommy dates" - 
When mommy and little man go do something special they obviously cant go far, she's got the boobies!  So maybe a quick trip to go get ice cream, pick up a some food (phone it in if you can) or even just a trip to the store. 

Guys nights- 
little man and I would go to the restaurant and live like KINGS! Make a mess and not flinch. (Just kidding dont be a douche- that's the opposite of Dad Swag) we would go to the park. Go feed ducks. Some fun stuff

"Just the three of us" - 
Have a family member come over to watch the baby (most granny's will cut someone for this time). Now you three go somewhere close by and just enjoy your 1st born. Wife and I did picnics at the park down the street, ice cream run, 

What's really important during these times is you stay off your I-suck or your An-douche and keep total focus on your kid. This is their time not yours

Now some of you might be thinking what's the bid deal? I have siblings and we didnt need to do all this. Can you remember when you were 3 and had to divide your parents attention. 
Just imagine your spouse or significant other  tells you "that there is another person they love and he or she is going to be living with us. That's how your kid(s) is taking the news of adding another child in this house. Oh the betrayal of you bastards. How dare you ruin this perfect ecosystem by bringing in another person into his/her home! 

Maybe you're one of the lucky ones where your first child always wanted a little brother and sister. That's awesome! Good for you. I hope all the best. Still prep the shit out them. Becuase their world is about to get ROCKED in a few months.

Wow this one was lengthily. I hope I kept your attention through it all. Just remember prep and make them still feel special once the newest version comes. 

Be that Dad with SWAG!

The two I recommend the most -
ICE AGE - Dawn of Dinosaurs (their having a baby - helps explain the baby is in the belly)
One Special day (book) - about a boy becoming a big brother

For questions, comments, concerns email me at

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Sleeping in my arms. It's cute until gotta do some shit!

My baby girl isn't feeling well. So for her 2nd nap of the day (which I plan and time carefully at the same time as big brothers nap) she is sleeping in my arms.  I just lay back in our recliner turn on the tv And enjoy some (sort of) alone time. But today I passed out in the chair. I woke up to my own snoring. Seriously. It started me, which startled her. So you know go f#%< myself right? So I jump up and start bouncing and shushing her back to dream world. (Side note - I bounce and pat bottoms so much that when I'm at work and I start to feel tied and start doing that WITH NO CHILD IN MY ARMS!! This is the life I chose). So she's back asleep and now my stomach goes "hey, remember those delicious cheese fries you made last night?" Yes I do stomach, why do you ask?" "Because I'm all done with it now. So......" "No please no. Just wait. Please not now. Lets hold off until my wife gets". "That's a negatory we need to make the delivery". FFFFFFFFFF&&&&&&&&&&%%%%%%%%%%%%<<<<<<<!!!!! So I try to put Peaches (my daughters nickname) down in her crib. And I full on Usain Bolt to the porcelain shrine. Then Peaches starts shrieking like a wild demon banshee. And my stomach goes "Oh, my bad. False alarm". Are you kidding me stomach!!!!!!????!!! Really?!?!???!? My arms are tired. I hate you stomach.