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Monday, July 4, 2016

4th of July is soooooo fun when you have 2 kids who didnt sleep the night before!

The morning of July 4th, both of my kids thought it would be appropriate to wake up 3x each last night.


I was so tired that i fell asleep on the couch at 730AM for 2 hours after drinking one full cup of coffee! All the while my children were screaming like angry drunk banshees. My wife thought I was faking it.

So at 930 I awake to "WASH YOUR HANDS"! I jump out of my sleep and see my daughter screaming out of fear from the evil foam soap.


"Because it will get me" she replies.

I laid back down and pretended to be asleep before my wife saw or heard me. Just kidding.

2 Tantrums later.

My wife looked into my eyes in a way that I can only assume is how a Navy Seal looks at his fellow Seal when they are about to ambush some Extremists.  "Oh, they are taking a nap".

We  have lunch that both of my children agreed upon but refused to eat once it was FULLY MADE. Because you know "F your time, energy, and money!"

So by 2 they are passed out in their bed.  They share, because daughter refuses to sleep in her own bed. You know "F our money, right". I feel like this may need to be addressed when she gets older.

my son napped for 2 1/2 hours.
my daughter 3 1/2 hours.

She woke up just after 5:30pm!

And that was WWWAAAAAAYYYYY to long to let her nap. Because she was as grumpy as a fat kid coming home to the last piece of BDAY cake to only find out it was eaten by his baby sister!

Then my son starts acting up.

It takes 30 mins to get our stupid kids to put their "play" clothes on. That i picked out and handed to them. Its not like they had to get their own stupid clothes!

now its 630!

You dont show up to a friends bbq at 630 when it was supposed to start 12.

We tell my son "if you dont put your clothes on, we wont go"

he says "fine we will stay home then" and begins to jump around like he is requesting rain from the "Rain God" to harvest his crops for winter.

I had enough. I start to yell. "THAT'S IT WE ARE NOT GOING ANYMORE".


"To bad dumb dumb. You acted like an idiot and im afraid you will act like this at my friends house and that's not acceptable".

He threw himself down on the ground and started kicking and screaming.

So we end up just going to see the fireworks at 9. Why 9? it was dark enough at 830! Thirty minutes doesnt seem like much but to a  5 and 2 year old. 30 minutes is FOR-EVER!

the moment the fireworks are done. my incredible, affectionate, prince and princess are turning into possessed demons in the car on the way home.

now its 11:06 and I'm typing this up. Because someone should enjoying hearing about this.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

You're child isn't a pathological liar.....yet.

For all my parents who survived the terrible 2s. Congrats. You did it. You survived your own personal 'Nam.  Now get ready to deal with a THREE-Nager.

The three to four year old time in your kids life is awesome. They are starting to "get it". They can speak a little bit better then your drunk college buddy after a 24 pack of PBR. GOD BLESS AMERICA.

But during this time something happens to them. They grasp the idea that mommy and daddy don't always SEE EVERYTHING and you sure don't KNOW EVERYTHING either. Its not that they are trying to be a mastermind criminal here. They just realized that they don't HAVE to tell the truth. Catch them in the act immediately. DON'T wait til next time. Because next time will not happen the next time and you will have what one of my buddies has in lying ass brat siblings.

 My buddy is always on the straight and narrow path. Always tells the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but. To a fault. But for some reason his two younger siblings lie about the DUMBEST SIMPLEST $h!%. The parents obviously know that Dumb and Dumber are lying but won't do or say anything about it. It will be about "who left the tv on?" or "Who didn't put the ice cream back" STUPID STUPID reasons to lie but they do. (I'm not saying there are smart reasons to lie but why break a the 9th commandment on that??? Use it to avoid Jail time or a speeding ticket. Not costing dad a few extra cents to the electric bill!)

They will test you. They will lie like Barry Bonds on trial for ROIDS. (WE ALL KNOW YOU DID IT BARRY! YOUR HEAD GREW 2 FULL HAT SIZES  AT 35! THAT $h!% DON'T HAPPEN TO ANYONE!!!)

Well back to catching your kid being a little @$$hole liar and try to figure out why the bastard is lying.

1) Avoiding trouble - obvious right.

They are trying to dodge a bullet. Avoid a punishment. Not catch a chin check. (just kidding. Do NOT hit your children) When this happens focus on the fact that they lied and how hurt you are. Don't focus on the act that caused them to lie. Focus on the fact you KNOW they lied. Let them know that it hurts you knowing your sweet boy/girl/demon spawn LIED  to you. Let them know that if they continue to lie to you, you won't be able to trust them. Make it a one man drama show (WIN THAT OSCAR!)  "Oh Billy! I cant believe you lied to me. It hurts my feelings sooooooooo much to know you lied to me. I love you and can't believe you would not treat me with the same love". Make them understand the pain it caused that they lied to daddy and mommy. Once they get that. Go back to the crayola "cave man" style painting that low is on display. BUT FOCUS ON THE LIE!

It's our job to be the "moral police". We as dads are setting the ground work for our kids behavior in the future. Don't brush this off. This is a big deal.  I know some parents who have never really put this as a priority in their child's lives. 

2) Gain attention -

"Daddy, did you know that my friend has a dragon for a pet and we flew to Disney Land".

Now this is a harmless one. In my opinion. But when your child is spewing nonsense help them understand whats their imagination and whats real. Then ask them why and how did they come up with that very creative "story".  When your child is bringing up bush league material to the convo they need some attention. Take a few minutes from what your doing and just chat with your kid.

3) Bragging -

"My daddy once help Batman fight Mr.Freeze and he got frozen but broke out and then they sent Mr.Freeze to jail but he broke out with his ICE CANNON. So MY DAD flew in the bat plane .....(you get it)

From what I've read this is connected to low self esteem or not feeling connected to peers. If you hear your child telling some tall tales. Start playing with them more. Build them up. This isn't going to happen over night. It will be a process. But the time you take to do this will be worth it.  

Be the Moral Compass of your family. Your kids are watching you. Monkey see, Monkey do.  Be a Dad with Swag.

If you like this post or any other post, don't be afraid to share it.  Comment on it.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Excuse me sir, but your shirt looks like its calling for back up!!!

"I want to show the ladies that I work out"  -  a customer wearing a shirt that was one size to small.

Guys. If it looks like you are Incredible Hulking out of your shirt. Its toooooooo small.

How do you tell you ask? Well.......

The shirt between the buttons are making ovals. It's like the shirt is yelling "I can't take it anymore"! 

It needs to be more like this. 

The placket down the middle of the shirt should be overlapping (the part with the buttons). It should not look like it's calling for back up fabric to save it. 

And that goes for the untucked look too. If you're the guy wearing the shirt that is calling for help. YOU look like the one who needs help. Since you obviously can't dress yourself.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

The follow through (this isnt about Golf swings)

If you don't stop, we are going home this instant! How many of you heard this?  But who says "this instant" anymore. Answer no one.

Remember when your family went on a road trip?  Then all of a sudden the energy and anticipation is to much for you and your siblings and you all start going bat shit crazy? Then a parent makes the statement like "if you do that one more time we will not .......". But it happens again. Then you get the "I mean it". Then you all are almost there and it's "we will turn the car around!" IT NEVER HAPPENED. You hit your sister like 7 times in the 1st hour of the drive! Nothing changed except maybe a back hand comes flying that completely misses because your mom didnt have the hand eye coordination to complete such an act. THERE WAS NO FOLLOW THROUGH. 

We all pushed the limits on our parents to borderline insanity. The car never got turned around, the toy never really got handed to a "kid who will appreciate it more", and I did "go out that weekend." I feel like our parents were either the drill sergeant or the boy who cried wolf. It was insanely strict or insanely harmless. Some parents were both depending on what child they were dealing with. 

You want your kids to understand you mean business when you say something like "you do not get Ice cream, or the new toy or, go to so and so's" then actually FOLLOW THROUGH WITH IT

One night I was at work and I'm helping this young couple of three kids. All under the age of 4 and these parents were maybe 30 at best.

Lets all take a moment and pray for them......... Amen.

Well their kids hit the breaking point while the dad is trying on a suit. (Future note: suits take time to get right. So don't come in 30 minutes before closing with 3 kids hopped up on fro-yo and expect them to be mild mannered children when it's 25 mins passed bed time) the mom and dad kept saying "if you don't stop I'm taking the iPad away".

Yes IPad 3 kids under 4 working the IPad. A 300-500 dollar item is in the trusted hands of a preschooler and her toddler siblings.

So the IPAD was threaten to be taken away about 11-13 times in the 30 mins I had to get him in a "suit and tie" "suit and tie" "suit and tie" (shout out to Justin timberlake). There was no follow through. Now I understand why . Your inside Nordstrom you dont want a bigger melt down. But the kids never flinched, DID NOT FLINCH when the IPAD was threaten. They kept their little asshole faces glued to the angry birds game. Probably because it was a pattern of behavior. It seemed like there wasn't ever much follow through on the threats they've heard before.
If you want to correct the kids behavior make the follow through happen. Starting now. Right now. Go and take your kids toy away for no reason at all. I'll wait.

.......... Ok good.

 The next time your sweet child is getting out of line. You layeth the smacketh down. Strong and firm. So when you say "if you do that again, I'm taking your toy away". And the little asshole gives you the stink eye and tests you. You snatch up that toy and watch them cry. Well don't really watch them cry just walk away and put the toy up on the fridge. You explain to them that you told that 30lb devil not to do something and they did it, so there. Let them know they can "earn" their toy back through community service or it will be release early on good behavior.  

Make your word, Your Word. Its like the BIBLE but not from God. They will learn and act accordingly when out in public (for the most part). They will understand daddy means his shit and they won't get ice cream if they start acting all Miley Cyrus/Justin bieber (Sorry if your reading this Billy ray and mr mrs bieber, but your daughter and son are NUCKING FUTS)

Who loves watching the "counting to 3" parents as much as I do? If you're one of those parents stop doing it. It's not good for them. Their learning to test the boundaries and will push it a little more and more each time. When that little terror becomes a teenager are you gonna count to 20? 

I'm at this park that little man and I frequent. And this one little kid is just running around, throwing fistfuls of sand at other kids. He was saying a catch phrase with it too. Which I found amusing, until little man got tagged with sand to the back of his dome piece. I told this kid its not nice to throw sand and to not do it anymore. The mom comes over tells her dickhead kid to apologize and he runs off. So she apologizes for her son. I told her she doesn't have to apologize she wasn't the one who threw the sand. So this future 2 time felon does it again but this time to this sweet little girl just learning to walk. Maybe 13 months old. BAM right to the grill. Girl falls backs trying to gag sand out of her mouth. The little girl's mom literally SHRIEKS and comes FLo-Jo sprinting to her daughters aid. Like she was being ambushed by a rabid wolf pack. So I see this one mom count to 3. Then 5. Then 10.  She then loses her mind and just snatched her kid up. So fast I swear I saw that road runner  Looney Tunes shiloette cloud. They disappear in their car and take off. 

There probably isn't much follow through. The kid didnt feel the need to apologize and he watch his mom count to ten. Either this kids parent ALLOW this maniac act like this due to not following through with punishments or this kid has Lance Armstrong denial of PED size BALLS. Well I guess Lance's ball (singular) isn't that big if he did take steroids. Well that's the rumored side effect of that any ways. 

No follow through. Yes your kid will get upset. Get over it!!!!  They will... eventually. Your job as a parent isn't to be their best friend, it's to raise a person who will eventually be a positive part of the community not jail. 

Follow through. It's good for them. And will save you a few gray hairs down the road.

Friday, July 25, 2014

Building them up.

Building confidence

"DADDY, SAVE ME". My son screamed in his first time in swim class just a few days ago. He was not pleased to be in the pool with a total stranger that he met 10 mins prior. He cried.  He tried to climb out of the instructors hands.  

Even though he wasn't really participating, I was cheering him on in all the little things he was willing to do. He crab crawled on the wall. Now even though he has been doing this for a year and a half now. I cheered him on like an over enthusiastic little league dad. I clapped hard. I cheered loudly. I let him know that I was watching and he was doing a great job. Throwing the pool toy. Putting his head under water. Blowing bubbles. You would of thought my son was trying to make the US Olympic squad. I was letting him know that he can do this. Afterwards I mentioned "How PROUD of him I was" about 30 times in the 3 hours from when he classed ended and when he fell asleep. In hopes that the next class would be a better day.

AND IT WAS. All the other parents were shocked. SHOCKED. That my crying and screaming mini me was not only participating in the class but excelling in it. He was jumping in to the pool. Swimming under water. Even cheering his classmates on.

To build up your child's confidence, all they need is....Praise. Positive reinforcement. This isn't boot camp. They don't need to be torn down to be brought back up. They are toddlers, babies, high schoolers.

Building confidence means being a - mirror/positive self image
It's like how Justin Timberlake said in "Mirrors"

It's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me
I couldn't get any bigger
With anyone else beside of me
And now it's clear as this promise
 (and that went just a bit to long)

A lot of your child's self-image comes not only from what the child sees in him/herself, but from how they think others see them.This all comes from reactions that parents, friends, and family make. My son said  "Daddy, I'm a shy boy". I asked him why does he think this? "Because (his preschool friend) said so". I told him "Buddy you're not shy. You are very brave. You approach kids in the park and make new friends all the time. Now would a shy boy do that?" He stood there for a moment and thought about what I said. "No".

I was at my nephew's little league basketball game. I noticed that the coach never once gave one compliment to his team. AND THEY WERE UP BY 20 at one point! It got so bad that he coaches son litterally just stop dribbling and slammed the ball down. Other parents were joing in and you could tell by the 3rd quarter and up by 17 the kids didn't care.  They checked out. So I just started yelling louder and giving props to these 6th-8th graders. They started playing harder. They finished strong. Once the game was down I walked up to few kids, gave them some props in person and a few pointers. The next game was the championship game and they won by 20 after they were considered the underdogs.

Building confidence also means  - Playing/having fun together.
Kids associate a lot of there confidence to play time. It sounds weird but I tell you its true. If your kid is sitting alone in their room and playing by themselves they will think they are boring and not fun. So the moment you see your kid playing by themselves and you are reading your facebook feed or twitter news. Put down the phone and give them some play time. AND JUST PLAY. Don't critique them. Don't tell them "that's not how this works", "superman doesn't need a plane", just play. Have fun.

Building confidence also means - Don't be fake.
Kids can read you better then you think. They know when they are being bamboozled by a phony voice and smile. You don't have to be the "Wiggles" or "Barney" every time. When they do something and you're not on your A Game because you haven't had your mocha latte yet. Don't fake the funk. But when you do have that sweet sweet caffeinated drink coursing through your veins, bring up that "thing they did again" and be a little more energetic about it.

Help them build a positive self image by giving them praise/cheering them on, spend time with them, and don't B rated movie fake.

Pretty simple right. 

Friday, March 7, 2014

My son calls super heroes by their first name

    (My son and I dressed up as superheroes on our way to trader joes, because he refused to let me change) 
Side note - the cape was my Christmas present from him. He is awesome. 

"Ironman is Tony Stark, I'm Tyson" - my son yelled to a lady when she called him Ironman.  The lady apologized. As she should. The real ironman is definitely not 3 feet tall. Idiot. 

My son calls super heroes by their secret identity. I believe it's because he feels they're on the same level. He calls Superman - Clark kent, the hulk - Bruce Banner, Spider-Man - Peter Parker, wolverine - Logan. But where my son takes it to far is Batman. My son has the nerve to call The Cape Crusader -Bruce Wayne. The nerve of this kid!  I kept correcting him and every time he looks at me like I'M THE ONE OUT OF LINE! The balls on this kid. The Dark Knight he calls by his Christian Name! Who the hell does my son think he is!? 

All jokes aside he takes this superhero business serious. He wants to learn the secret identity, how did he get his powers, what can his powers do, who is he friend with, and does he have a cool ride? 

He asks these questions a few times but he get them down and then has the need to remind the individual who taught him this shit. I'm like "dude, I was in comic books back when "one rolled up pant leg" (a la LL cool J) was cool. 

I'm hoping this calling superheroes by their government name is somehow weirdly connected to his confidence. And that he sees superheroes as equals because he feels he is equally as cool. 

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

I'm so tired. so so tired

My sweet little princess is teething. Thank you for your sympathy my fellow parents. Last night my little baby girl woke up 4 times last night. At 230pm today it feels like she was up every 15 minutes. If someone were to give me the option of being water-boarded torture or sleep like i did last night. I would of picked torture. And on top of all of it I'm sick. Yeah me! Where is my sympathy parade! I want CONFETTI!!! 

That is all.