Sleeping in my arms. It's cute until gotta do some shit!

My baby girl isn't feeling well. So for her 2nd nap of the day (which I plan and time carefully at the same time as big brothers nap) she is sleeping in my arms.  I just lay back in our recliner turn on the tv And enjoy some (sort of) alone time. But today I passed out in the chair. I woke up to my own snoring. Seriously. It started me, which startled her. So you know go f#%< myself right? So I jump up and start bouncing and shushing her back to dream world. (Side note - I bounce and pat bottoms so much that when I'm at work and I start to feel tied and start doing that WITH NO CHILD IN MY ARMS!! This is the life I chose). So she's back asleep and now my stomach goes "hey, remember those delicious cheese fries you made last night?" Yes I do stomach, why do you ask?" "Because I'm all done with it now. So......" "No please no. Just wait. Please not now. Lets hold off until my wife gets". "That's a negatory we need to make the delivery". FFFFFFFFFF&&&&&&&&&&%%%%%%%%%%%%<<<<<<<!!!!! So I try to put Peaches (my daughters nickname) down in her crib. And I full on Usain Bolt to the porcelain shrine. Then Peaches starts shrieking like a wild demon banshee. And my stomach goes "Oh, my bad. False alarm". Are you kidding me stomach!!!!!!????!!! Really?!?!???!? My arms are tired. I hate you stomach. 

A sixth sense moment

So my little mini me comes up to me and says "Daddy, I see a lot of people on the couch and chair". Seeing that my wife and daughter are the only other ones in the house. I got nervous. "So who do you see buddy?" I replied. He stops and smiles "Mommy and baby girl, and.........(me getting a little nervous) jake and the never land pirates!" Oh thank God.

I thought my little man was about to drop some 4th dimension type stuff on me and I was not prepared for. Nor do I have any Holy water laying around. We would have been at the nearest 4Star (I don't have 5 star money) hotel and the next day some exorcist type stuff would be taking place with a all star team of pastors and priests. 

Sometimes I wish I could punch my son in the face!

Your sweet little child out of nowhere transform into a maniacal monster.

 
Nothing you do will calm them down or get them back on track to being a functioning member of the family. You hate to say it but you just want to punch that little monster in the side of his stupid face! But you can't, because that my friends is child abuse.You try to debate yourself "maybe a soft jab just to set the tone" and let them know you're serious. Just kidding, don't hit your kid. Seriously. Please don't. Can't stress that enough.

What seems to work for my wife and myself (when I have the patience and remember that I'm the parent) we just ignore our little terror. It usually lasts another 2 minutes. Sometimes 10 seconds others 5 minutes of pure Water boarding torture tantrum. But he finally calms down and starts to cry out of embarrassment. That's when I subtly smirk to my self and say "Who's gonna protect this house! Under armour!" And I do a little dance. Nothing that stands out just simple robot or maybe a quick 2 step and spin, and sometimes I spike the football and pound my chest. 

But what you do after the celebration dance is just as important as the dance itself.  Sometimes I'll just walk up and hug my little demon spawn and tell him "I love you buds. Daddy will always love you (under my breathe though "just not when you being an unbearable shit monster") you just need to listen and OBEY to mommy and daddy." We throw in the "Obey" in with the "listen to mommy and daddy" because we all "listen" to our parents.!I just don't jump on the crap my mom tells me about. 

"Alba, go to Walph's (Ralph's) they have 4 apple for one dolla" (my mom can't pronounce Rs to save her life). And I respond "mom I don't care about apples. I'm not driving 15 mins out of my way with 2 kids just to buy apples...... Drop the APPLES mom! ...... Drop it!..... Yes money is important, it is important to save! .......Your right money doesn't grow on trees. ...... Yes, apples do grow on trees. I said DROP THE DAMN APPLES!!  

Sorry got off topic there. Let's get back to matter at hand. 

We then go over what he did that caused the meltdown and why mommy and daddy decided what we did. 

It seems to help for us. Hopefully it will help for you.

Now if you're in a public place when that poltergeist demon starts to come out. Just hug them. Pick them up, pull them away from the commotion and hug them. If your kid is the type that needs a few minutes of space, give it to them. Wait until they calm their silly tiny asses down and then try to calmly talk to them.  

Shouting begets shouting. Try using this during a serious public meltdown: the whisper.

The next time your kid starts acting all drunk Alec Bladwin voice mail crazy, just start whispering.  Do it with a smile on your face. Watch the confusion flood their face and see them stop what they're doing and walk over to you. When they ask "what are you saying daddy?" you swoop them up and say "I love you" and spin them around. Their anger turns to laughter and they are happy again...

Key talking points -

We all sometimes want punch our lil' angel, but don't.

Use the ignore method. Then dance.

Use the whipser in a public setting. Then hug them. 

Let's stop being the "the angry dads" it didnt really work on us. Lets game the change. 

Lets be the Dad with Swag. 

Quick story : just sleep in your pee!

It's 3AM and my 3 year old son starts screaming "daddy my bed is sweaty!" I'm so tired from my 3 month old daughter waking up every 7 seconds (what it felt like) that I didnt make the the connection that "beds don't sweat".

I walk into the bedroom of this screaming banshee. And see a pee spot the size of an extra large pizza. I take off his pants, shirt, and his pull up (thank you Huggies for your inadequate "night time" product.) I then put the new clothes and pull up on.  And told him to sleep in a spot next to the pee. Seriously. I told me son to just sleep 6 inches to the left. He looked at me, then back at the spot, then back at me. And screamed "I need my bed changed too!" 

I threw a mini tantrum in my head that was the equivalent of a small tribal jungle war. If my son was a grown man. I would be in jail right now. 

So I switch his bed sheet. As I was walking away. He said "daddy"? I turned around and said what? He runs up to me and said he needed a "big hug and kiss." 

Man I hate my son when he is being cute and I'm pissed at him. 

Smile, it's good for you.

My 3 month old daughter smiles at me when  I'm rocking her to sleep. She will partially open her eyes and will give a big smile. It's one of the greatest feelings in the world. 

As Dads with Swag, we should smile more. To our kids, spouses, family members, in-laws (yes even your in-laws), and extended family (even the ones you can't stand), and coworkers. 

You're having a rough day. Bills are due. Car is acting up. Company is thinking of down sizing. Not your kids fault. Not your spouses fault, or in laws. So smile to them. Especially your kids. They shouldn't have to deal with your stress and worries. Let them be kids. You just got off then phone with your Bank's customer service an they "couldn't help, but understood your frustrations". Keep smiling. It'll only help you and your family. 

Some reasons to smile more: 

Smiling helps reduce stress. When you have less stress your immune system is able to work and produce the antibodies it needs to fight sickness. So you get healthier on top of it. It's like a double down on black jack. Boo-ya!

Smiling create endorphins in your body to help get in you in a better mood. Having a shitty day? Then smile that bitch in the face and just like Jay-Z said "gotta, get, that, dirt off your shoulder". Plus smiling makes haters hate even more. 

Smiling helps you be more productive. Now that sounds corny as shit. Trust me I know. But think about a job or a task you do that you absolutely hate. Me its folding clothes at work. I'm thinking "why the fuck am I doing this? This pile is going to get tossed around like some sorority girls trying to show they can play football any damn way". So it takes me twice as long to accomplish because all I'm doing is cursing my boss in my head. Now think of a job you like to do. Your smiling, dancing (sort of), singing (off key) and that shit gets done in a flash. Just try to put your self in a better mood when you're resubmitting that cover sheet on that TPS report. For all of you who don't get that joke click on the link below. For all of those who do. Good job being awesome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fy3rjQGc6lA&sns=em

Now it's not difficult to smile. That sounds dumb. I know. I felt bad writing that there. But it's not. But people seem like they don't know what to do when a smile is given to them. Here is a clue.....you smile back.  It's not hard, I'm not asking you fireman carry a baby kangaroo. I'm just smiling. That is all. 

Another reason to smile is... Your a dad with SWAG! 

Daddy, do you have a hydrangea?

 Who remembers watching Kindergarten cop? Now do you remember that part where that little bowl hair cut kid stands up and says "boys have a penis, girls have a vagina."?  Classic.

So my son who is about to be three is learning what makes boys and girls different. YEAH!!!! Time for awkward questions about genders in public places in front of complete strangers!!!!! 

My mini me and I are in the mall. I don't remember why. I don't even remember if we accomplished the purpose of going there. But he stops me in front of a group of stay at home moms and says "daddy, how come i don't have a vagina?"  Well buddy, you're a boy and boys have (interrupted)  "A PENIS!!!!!! AAAAAAAA!!!!" Then he begins to run around in circles like he is terrified of the terrible penis getting him. I look up at the ladies who are laughing and politely acknowledging the awkwardness. I tell them we are explaining the differences between boys and girls. They all make comments along the lines of "been there", "can't wait for that talk", and "isn't it a little early for that talk".  A few mothers chimed in that it isn't and I used that as my queue to move the awkwardness along to ...... Where the hell are we going?

I know some parents that get uncomfortable with this topic. I don't understand why though. It's natural (like farts and poop) for little boys and girls to want to know why mommy,daddy, or baby brother or sister have different parts down there. Kids are inquisitive. And that's a good thing. 

Some parents decide to go with the "front butt" or "who ha"and the "pee pee". I think that eventually confuses the kid once they start learning the words penis and vagina. 

Be direct, short and sweet. It's better you talk to your kid then someone else. To your toddler that body part is no different then any other appendage and characteristic he or she has. Just call it what it is. It's called a penis buddy. Or a vagina dude. Then the dreaded "Why?" Comes. There to helps us go to the bathroom. "Why does mommy have a hydrangea?" Well buddy God made girls and boys different and unique.  (If you're not religious then.....I don't know how to answer that-good luck)

Don't be scared to talk about penises and vaginas. Just like I said in the beginning if you don't someone else will. Like some twisted kid who'se parents neglect and he is allowed to roam on the dangerous Internet by himself. He gets curious and types "boobs" and pictures come up. And one thing leads to another and now this demented weirdo is teaching your kid about private parts. So just jump in talk about it. 

Just remember 

Keep it simple

Use the real words

God made us different 

And to use the potty.

I'll leave you with a little convo with my little man. 

Mini me - daddy I don't have boobs. 

Me - you're right buddy. Boys don't have boobs 

Mini me- daddy, you have boobs.

Me - (depressing sigh) sort of. I have pecs. They look like boobs because daddy hasn't had a chance to work out. 

Mini me - yeah. You need to work out.

Me- are you trying to be hurtful? 

Mini me - no daddy. I love you. And I don't have boobs like daddy. 

Me- ok, it's now bed time. 

That Dad Swag. 

You're not Brett Farve, you need nice Jeans

You’re not Brett Favre, you should spend a bit more on your denim.

“Brett Favre wears normal jeans.”

That’s what a customer told me once he was “blown away” by the “absurd” price of jeans we sell at Nordstrom. I then followed his comment with “Well, Brett Favre is a Super Bowl champion he can wear whatever he wants. But I really doubt he wears those 25 dollar pair of jeans he slangs in the commercial.”  The gentleman took a few seconds to process my response. Realizing he himself can’t hurl a football 50 yards down field on a deep corner route in double coverage, bought the jeans I was showing him.

Huddle up! Let’s bring it in!!

Now for the past few years most of you have been playing it comfortably “safe” with your “relaxed” fit jeans. It’s a new era, new rules, and new game. We need to step it up.  We need to adapt. We need to get into the game with our heads held high and our pant legs tapered and hemmed properly.

Now, I’m not saying buy the same pair of jeans as that hipster kid you saw at the coffee shop. That teenager hasn’t fully reached manhood yet and doesn’t understand what leg muscles are.  

I am strongly against “skinny” jeans on men. I don’t think any guy should wear them. No matter what the purpose is, unless you’re the front man of some new indie band.  Then never ever wear “skinny” jeans.

So now you understand my feelings to “skinny” jeans. Lets move forward amicably.  There are many different cuts, styles, and washes of jeans.  The three normal cuts in most designer denim are:

 “Skinny”

You see how the jeans contour so much to the legs and leave a whole lot of negative space between the thigh area.  I feel like this guy must not be comfortable in the “crotchal” region.  They almost look like women’s jeans. Which actually is where the skinny look derived from. Thank you punk rock/emo bands that became popular and caused the "hipster" kids to imitate you and wear f'n women jeans! Women  jeans! Really? Dudes who wear skinny women style jeans are the "anti-butcher" because they ain't packing in the "meat" department. 

“Straight Leg”

Still a little slim but not skin tight. There is a bit of fabric that hangs off in the thigh and knee area. Which some of you may not be used to but trust me, it's ok. you can do it. And should for you, your lady, and the rest of the dads with swag out there. You also get a break on the shoe, since it isn’t tapered. I appreciate it, because you can wear a wide range of shoes with this break. Also you can roll the cuff up and join in on that trend. 

Or the dreaded “relaxed”

You get a lot of room with the relaxed look. It looks sloppy to me. There is just so much fabric that is hanging.  It looks like you are wearing your dad’s jeans. So good job little guy on trying to look like an adult. This jean is for the older guy (50s and above) who no longer care on what's cool. 

Or 

If you're a profession athlete or weight lifter and have enormous thighs. This will give you that room. If your not a professional athlete or weightlifter. You shouldn't go relax fit. 

Now you need to go out to your local clothing store say..... Nordsrom at the Shops in Mission Viejo and try on some jeans.

Be That Dad with Swag.

It's not the 1960s anymore

"Outfit. What man says OUT-FIT" was the reply I was given after I complimented this 1960s generation man on step up from his normal Under Armour jacket and tear away pants (as if he is the sixth man for the Lakers about to get called off the bench or at any moment he may hear Warrant's "Cherry Pie" song, and show no mercy to the tear away and go Full Monty on us)  he usually dons for an evening out on the town.

-2 hours earlier.
I was just standing there watching the game on tv. Minding my own business. When a family friend of close to 30 years my senior approached me. He congratulated me on the news of my 2nd child being conceived.  Yeah for UNPROTECTED SEX!!!! Anyways, this man whom I respected begins to share his personal views of stay at home dads. (He being completely unaware of the fact my wife and I were talking about me being the primary "day care" parent and that I just got hired for a part time job at Nordstrom.) He begins to state that "the country is going to hell" and that "we need more men, real men and not these (insert air quote hands) metro sexual men". I just laughed because what else could I do. Get into a heated argument right after he and his lovey sweet (very opinionated) wife just congratulated us on having UNPROTECTED SEX. Yeah you didn't use condoms!!!  O' to the miracle of creating a child and all the unwanted tips, advice, and opinions that come with it.  So I think to myself "F--- IT I'm a grown man. I'm gonna say something". So of course after the excitement of the UNPROTECTED SEX news energy dies down the normal guy questions get asked. "So how's work, are you still working at that law firm"? (AH yes my moment) So with a smile on my face I said "I took a job at Nordstrom in the Men's Department". The reaction was just what I was looking for. Mouth slightly opened, eyes getting wider, and the thought of "Is he one of those Metro Sexual guys I was just blasting an hour ago" running around in his mind.

Back to the game. There's a few cheers. A few boos. A few more booze. Then I get asked "So, Nordstrom huh"? "Yeah". "I heard their a good company to work for." "Yeah, I'm excited. You know I like to dress up". I get a compliment for what I was wearing. I then give a compliment back "yeah, I been meaning to compliment you on the outfit you put together".  That's when I get hit with the "Outfit. What man says OUT-FIT".

Its a New Era. More and more men are putting effort into how they look. More and more men are getting in the kitchen. And more and more men are staying at home. I would like to give a shout out to all the bra burning ladies for demanding equal pay, job opportunities, and rights. God Bless ya. Because now instead of dealing with that rush hour 405 death sentence traffic, I'm watching Elmo teach my kid that it is important to wash your hands after using the potty. (To wit, it really is)  While eating a bowl of cheerios, in my jams jams.

Its not the 1960s anymore.

"So don't usually ladies work at clothing stores"?

I usually have Mondays and Wednesdays off from work. So those are the days I take my mini me to a park by my house. I normally meet my friend who is a full time stay at home dad and our kids normally run around (sort of playing) together.  While we are discussing are fantasy football teams and how Kaepernick torched the Packers in week 1 (thank you for doing practically NOTHING from then on COLIN) another dad in his mid 40s comes stomping up with his kid as if he would rather sit in a bunch power point presentations then play tag.

Now my buddy and I usually greet other parents that come walking up and immediately explain which kids are ours.  And this tool made it very clear that "my wife is sick so I HAD to take a day off to BABY SIT my kids" (A note to you dads or future dads YOU'RE NOT BABY SITTING YOUR OWN KIDS) So my buddy and I go back to talking football. Mid level guy all of a sudden perks up like a dog that heard the word "walk". Mid level guys begins to brag about the Patriots. (Side note for you all who dont pay attention to football, before this season started the Patriots refused to pay their best receiver so he left for Tom Brady's  rival. Their 2nd best weapon kept pushing back his surgery to repair his back and knee. And if you havent heard of Aaron Hernandez - Google it.)

So we get to talking to this dad. He is some mid level guy of some tech company not many people heard of. Yet he has the arrogance you would think Steve Jobs had once the IPOD was introduced.  Like this M------- F--------  invented something. He then asks what we do in this really off putting tone. My buddy said he is a stay at home dad to which this douche said "that's...nice". I then mention I'm a part time employee at Nordstrom. Then I get hit with the  "So don't usually ladies work at clothing stores"? I bit my tongue with my first reaction because I'm surrounded by toddlers so I just reply with "Yeah usually but I think guys have been employed or started companies like Nordstrom since the invention of Department stores".

Its not the 1960s anymore. Nordstrom was actually founded by 2 men.

"Honey I'm home".

I was shocked to hear that they're dads out there under 45 years old that come home and go straight to the couch and expect to do NOTHING in the home. They just rest their plumply jiggle after a milkshake butts on "their" chair and grab the remote. It BLOWS MY MIND. Especially when their wives work FULL TIME jobs too!!! Look idiot. If your wife works too. Then guess what you plopping your fat lard on the couch is the biggest sign of disrespect to your wife. If you wanted a maid you should of hired one. If you wanted a partner in the crazy journey called life, then get your ass up. Play with your kids or help slice a damn tomato! 

Right before I put the key in the door I take a deeeeeeep breathe and say "these are the people I love the most in this world". And I try my best to walk in with a smile on my face. Trust me, I get it. When you get home your probably a bit antsy and aggravated from a day at the office because some jack hole drop the ball on his end of a project you guys were working on and you got reamed for it. But that's not your wife or kids fault that you had a rough day. I had one friend who literally would walk in and completely GHOST his wife, head straight to the bedroom, get undressed and play video games on the computer. He would come out an hour or two later to eat dinner and then go back to the world of Nerd-Dom. 

I eventually told my "buddy" that what he does is pretty jacked up. He ended up changing his ways for about a week. Then went back to the present absentee father. The topic got brought up again and he so poetically told me to go mind my own business.  Unfortunately this guy is now on his 4th marriage. And we no longer talk. 

But you're not like that. You're a Dad with Swag. 

Mission Statement

Dad - 1. one's father.

1. "his dad was with him"

Swag (short for swagger) -  1.

walk or behave in a very confident and typically arrogant or aggressive way.

"he swaggered along the corridor"

synonyms:

strut, parade, stride; More

"That Dad Swag" is a blog meant to be "edu-taining." Hopefully you'll learn a thing or two and be entertained. I do a lot of research online and read a lot of books in regards to parenting. I will teach you the tips and ideas that have helped me get through this crazy adventure, while dressing sharp,  eating great, and being the dad that leaves a positive mark on your family.

Now, I'm going to talk to you as if you were one of my friends. I don't sugar coat it. I'll tell you straight up that you're getting fat, your haircut looks stupid, those clothes don't fit. And I usually say it with a few choice words (if there aren't any little asshole parrot kids around). But I'm also the guy who will pull you aside and let you know you got food stuck in your teeth.  I will step on that toilet tissue you have been dragging around. 

If you are ok with sarcasm, then continue reading this blog. I feel like a lot of you will get some good advice out of this. Like what, you ask? 

This blog will give you tips on:

Fashion -  (because some of you think wearing your favorite team jersey is "dressing up")

I'll teach how to put your clothes together and make a complete look. 

Food - I'll teach you how to cook some awesome meals.

(Homemade cheesecake)

Family - How to build better relationships with your wife, kids, parents, and in laws.

and entertain you with my crazy stories.  (I'm scared for my future, if I got what my mother hoped for) 

(I'll explain this one when we get to the blog about having your kids help you cook)

A little about me. 

I am a father of 2 kids (1 mini me, 1 mini wife) and 2 angel babies. I am a husband to my high school sweetheart. I am (as of this post) a Nordstrom employee in the Men's Sportswear department in Mission Viejo. I am crazed espn tv/radio sport-aholic,foodie, TV and movie watcher. I'm a huge music fan (from Beethoven to Tupac). But I also have some massive road rage and a short fuse. 

Who should read this blog:

Guys. 

Those who want to laugh their asses off.

People who check mark the male box.

People who want to end world hunger. 

Those yearning for a Krispy Kreme donut.

Human beings with a penis.
Parents who wish they could take a day off from being a parent.

The type of person who really hate AIDS.

Billy Ray Cyrus. 

Guys who want to step their game up.

Dads who like being dads

Dads who don't like being dads.

Some ladies who are also in that dad role. 

But Dads mainly.

You don't have to be a dad of course. You can read my stories about fatherhood and use that as a natural birth control. Or decide this sounds like one crazy ride, and ask yourself where do I buy tickets?! If you ever thought "I would like to feel hungover with out the fun of drinking most mornings for the rest of my life!!!!!" Then join the team of being a dad. 

Please just be the legal voting age. That way I don't feel bad when I curse. I will do it here. Because I'm not allowed to outloud in my home. And mainly because I don't want my toddler kids going around dropping f-bombs on the swings at the park while pretending to be Buzz Lightyear. "To fucking infinity and beyond  bitches!" 

Who shouldn't read this:

Hitler supporters. 

Cat ladies. 

Those who support AIDS. (Not those who have it but the actual disease)

The deceased.

Anyone who has forgotten 9/11.

People who speak in #hashtags.

People who don't know what a rotary phone is. 

People with no access to the Internet.  

If you ever bought a Justin Bieber album on purpose (this includes my wife).

Robots. 
Tom Brady. ( you have enough in life, I shouldnt have to entertain you)
If you still use "Who let the dogs out" as a joke. Except Alan from "The Hangover".

If you are over the age of 29 and wear skinny jeans, then sag them below your butt. 

People who call their pets "their kids". 

Justin Bieber. 

Anyone who is associated with the Yankees organization.  

Those who can't read or speak English. (Sorry mom but your accent is too heavy for most people to understand, so that includes you)

If you're older then 30 and still flip the middle finger in pictures. (And you are not a actor or musician - even then it's barely tolerable) 

Terrorists.
Any man who goes to a bar and orders a pina colada and you're not on vacation. 

And Zombies. I hate zombies. Really. I hope the zombie apocalypse happens, so I get my chance to shoot up some motha f'n zombies!! 

A wise man once told me "don't make your wife jealous of other women, make other women jealous of your wife".  If by reading that quote makes you think "hell yeah!" I want to be a dad with swag. Then this blog will help you achieve that.

That Dad Swag 

Any questions, concerns, or comments? Email me at Thatdadswagblog@gmail.com