4th of July is soooooo fun when you have 2 kids who didnt sleep the night before!

The morning of July 4th, both of my kids thought it would be appropriate to wake up 3x each last night.

3 F'N TIMES! THREE. EACH!

I was so tired that i fell asleep on the couch at 730AM for 2 hours after drinking one full cup of coffee! All the while my children were screaming like angry drunk banshees. My wife thought I was faking it.

So at 930 I awake to "WASH YOUR HANDS"! I jump out of my sleep and see my daughter screaming out of fear from the evil foam soap.

WHY ARE YOU SCARED OF METHOD SOAP????  I asked.

"Because it will get me" she replies.

I laid back down and pretended to be asleep before my wife saw or heard me. Just kidding.

2 Tantrums later.

My wife looked into my eyes in a way that I can only assume is how a Navy Seal looks at his fellow Seal when they are about to ambush some Extremists.  "Oh, they are taking a nap".


We  have lunch that both of my children agreed upon but refused to eat once it was FULLY MADE. Because you know "F your time, energy, and money!"

So by 2 they are passed out in their bed.  They share, because daughter refuses to sleep in her own bed. You know "F our money, right". I feel like this may need to be addressed when she gets older.

my son napped for 2 1/2 hours.
my daughter 3 1/2 hours.

She woke up just after 5:30pm!

And that was WWWAAAAAAYYYYY to long to let her nap. Because she was as grumpy as a fat kid coming home to the last piece of BDAY cake to only find out it was eaten by his baby sister!

Then my son starts acting up.

It takes 30 mins to get our stupid kids to put their "play" clothes on. That i picked out and handed to them. Its not like they had to get their own stupid clothes!

now its 630!

You dont show up to a friends bbq at 630 when it was supposed to start 12.

We tell my son "if you dont put your clothes on, we wont go"

he says "fine we will stay home then" and begins to jump around like he is requesting rain from the "Rain God" to harvest his crops for winter.

I had enough. I start to yell. "THAT'S IT WE ARE NOT GOING ANYMORE".

My son "WWWWWHHHHYYYYY???? I WANT TO GOOOOOOOOOOO"

"To bad dumb dumb. You acted like an idiot and im afraid you will act like this at my friends house and that's not acceptable".

He threw himself down on the ground and started kicking and screaming.

So we end up just going to see the fireworks at 9. Why 9? it was dark enough at 830! Thirty minutes doesnt seem like much but to a  5 and 2 year old. 30 minutes is FOR-EVER!

the moment the fireworks are done. my incredible, affectionate, prince and princess are turning into possessed demons in the car on the way home.

now its 11:06 and I'm typing this up. Because someone should enjoying hearing about this.

You're child isn't a pathological liar.....yet.

For all my parents who survived the terrible 2s. Congrats. You did it. You survived your own personal 'Nam.  Now get ready to deal with a THREE-Nager.

The three to four year old time in your kids life is awesome. They are starting to "get it". They can speak a little bit better then your drunk college buddy after a 24 pack of PBR. GOD BLESS AMERICA.

But during this time something happens to them. They grasp the idea that mommy and daddy don't always SEE EVERYTHING and you sure don't KNOW EVERYTHING either. Its not that they are trying to be a mastermind criminal here. They just realized that they don't HAVE to tell the truth. Catch them in the act immediately. DON'T wait til next time. Because next time will not happen the next time and you will have what one of my buddies has in lying ass brat siblings.


 My buddy is always on the straight and narrow path. Always tells the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but. To a fault. But for some reason his two younger siblings lie about the DUMBEST SIMPLEST $h!%. The parents obviously know that Dumb and Dumber are lying but won't do or say anything about it. It will be about "who left the tv on?" or "Who didn't put the ice cream back" STUPID STUPID reasons to lie but they do. (I'm not saying there are smart reasons to lie but why break a the 9th commandment on that??? Use it to avoid Jail time or a speeding ticket. Not costing dad a few extra cents to the electric bill!)

They will test you. They will lie like Barry Bonds on trial for ROIDS. (WE ALL KNOW YOU DID IT BARRY! YOUR HEAD GREW 2 FULL HAT SIZES  AT 35! THAT $h!% DON'T HAPPEN TO ANYONE!!!)

Well back to catching your kid being a little @$$hole liar and try to figure out why the bastard is lying.

1) Avoiding trouble - obvious right.

They are trying to dodge a bullet. Avoid a punishment. Not catch a chin check. (just kidding. Do NOT hit your children) When this happens focus on the fact that they lied and how hurt you are. Don't focus on the act that caused them to lie. Focus on the fact you KNOW they lied. Let them know that it hurts you knowing your sweet boy/girl/demon spawn LIED  to you. Let them know that if they continue to lie to you, you won't be able to trust them. Make it a one man drama show (WIN THAT OSCAR!)  "Oh Billy! I cant believe you lied to me. It hurts my feelings sooooooooo much to know you lied to me. I love you and can't believe you would not treat me with the same love". Make them understand the pain it caused that they lied to daddy and mommy. Once they get that. Go back to the crayola "cave man" style painting that low is on display. BUT FOCUS ON THE LIE!

It's our job to be the "moral police". We as dads are setting the ground work for our kids behavior in the future. Don't brush this off. This is a big deal.  I know some parents who have never really put this as a priority in their child's lives. 

2) Gain attention -

"Daddy, did you know that my friend has a dragon for a pet and we flew to Disney Land".

Now this is a harmless one. In my opinion. But when your child is spewing nonsense help them understand whats their imagination and whats real. Then ask them why and how did they come up with that very creative "story".  When your child is bringing up bush league material to the convo they need some attention. Take a few minutes from what your doing and just chat with your kid.

3) Bragging -

"My daddy once help Batman fight Mr.Freeze and he got frozen but broke out and then they sent Mr.Freeze to jail but he broke out with his ICE CANNON. So MY DAD flew in the bat plane .....(you get it)

From what I've read this is connected to low self esteem or not feeling connected to peers. If you hear your child telling some tall tales. Start playing with them more. Build them up. This isn't going to happen over night. It will be a process. But the time you take to do this will be worth it.  


Be the Moral Compass of your family. Your kids are watching you. Monkey see, Monkey do.  Be a Dad with Swag.


If you like this post or any other post, don't be afraid to share it.  Comment on it.

Excuse me sir, but your shirt looks like its calling for back up!!!

"I want to show the ladies that I work out"  -  a customer wearing a shirt that was one size to small.

Guys. If it looks like you are Incredible Hulking out of your shirt. Its toooooooo small.

How do you tell you ask? Well.......

The shirt between the buttons are making ovals. It's like the shirt is yelling "I can't take it anymore"! 

It needs to be more like this. 

The placket down the middle of the shirt should be overlapping (the part with the buttons). It should not look like it's calling for back up fabric to save it. 

And that goes for the untucked look too. If you're the guy wearing the shirt that is calling for help. YOU look like the one who needs help. Since you obviously can't dress yourself.

The follow through (this isnt about Golf swings)

If you don't stop, we are going home this instant! How many of you heard this?  But who says "this instant" anymore. Answer no one.

Remember when your family went on a road trip?  Then all of a sudden the energy and anticipation is to much for you and your siblings and you all start going bat shit crazy? Then a parent makes the statement like "if you do that one more time we will not .......". But it happens again. Then you get the "I mean it". Then you all are almost there and it's "we will turn the car around!" IT NEVER HAPPENED. You hit your sister like 7 times in the 1st hour of the drive! Nothing changed except maybe a back hand comes flying that completely misses because your mom didnt have the hand eye coordination to complete such an act. THERE WAS NO FOLLOW THROUGH. 

We all pushed the limits on our parents to borderline insanity. The car never got turned around, the toy never really got handed to a "kid who will appreciate it more", and I did "go out that weekend." I feel like our parents were either the drill sergeant or the boy who cried wolf. It was insanely strict or insanely harmless. Some parents were both depending on what child they were dealing with. 

You want your kids to understand you mean business when you say something like "you do not get Ice cream, or the new toy or, go to so and so's" then actually FOLLOW THROUGH WITH IT. 

One night I was at work and I'm helping this young couple of three kids. All under the age of 4 and these parents were maybe 30 at best.

Lets all take a moment and pray for them......... Amen.

Well their kids hit the breaking point while the dad is trying on a suit. (Future note: suits take time to get right. So don't come in 30 minutes before closing with 3 kids hopped up on fro-yo and expect them to be mild mannered children when it's 25 mins passed bed time) the mom and dad kept saying "if you don't stop I'm taking the iPad away".

Yes IPad 3 kids under 4 working the IPad. A 300-500 dollar item is in the trusted hands of a preschooler and her toddler siblings.

So the IPAD was threaten to be taken away about 11-13 times in the 30 mins I had to get him in a "suit and tie" "suit and tie" "suit and tie" (shout out to Justin timberlake). There was no follow through. Now I understand why . Your inside Nordstrom you dont want a bigger melt down. But the kids never flinched, DID NOT FLINCH when the IPAD was threaten. They kept their little asshole faces glued to the angry birds game. Probably because it was a pattern of behavior. It seemed like there wasn't ever much follow through on the threats they've heard before.

If you want to correct the kids behavior make the follow through happen. Starting now. Right now. Go and take your kids toy away for no reason at all. I'll wait.

.......... Ok good.

 The next time your sweet child is getting out of line. You layeth the smacketh down. Strong and firm. So when you say "if you do that again, I'm taking your toy away". And the little asshole gives you the stink eye and tests you. You snatch up that toy and watch them cry. Well don't really watch them cry just walk away and put the toy up on the fridge. You explain to them that you told that 30lb devil not to do something and they did it, so there. Let them know they can "earn" their toy back through community service or it will be release early on good behavior.  

Make your word, Your Word. Its like the BIBLE but not from God. They will learn and act accordingly when out in public (for the most part). They will understand daddy means his shit and they won't get ice cream if they start acting all Miley Cyrus/Justin bieber (Sorry if your reading this Billy ray and mr mrs bieber, but your daughter and son are NUCKING FUTS)

Who loves watching the "counting to 3" parents as much as I do? If you're one of those parents stop doing it. It's not good for them. Their learning to test the boundaries and will push it a little more and more each time. When that little terror becomes a teenager are you gonna count to 20? 

I'm at this park that little man and I frequent. And this one little kid is just running around, throwing fistfuls of sand at other kids. He was saying a catch phrase with it too. Which I found amusing, until little man got tagged with sand to the back of his dome piece. I told this kid its not nice to throw sand and to not do it anymore. The mom comes over tells her dickhead kid to apologize and he runs off. So she apologizes for her son. I told her she doesn't have to apologize she wasn't the one who threw the sand. So this future 2 time felon does it again but this time to this sweet little girl just learning to walk. Maybe 13 months old. BAM right to the grill. Girl falls backs trying to gag sand out of her mouth. The little girl's mom literally SHRIEKS and comes FLo-Jo sprinting to her daughters aid. Like she was being ambushed by a rabid wolf pack. So I see this one mom count to 3. Then 5. Then 10.  She then loses her mind and just snatched her kid up. So fast I swear I saw that road runner  Looney Tunes shiloette cloud. They disappear in their car and take off. 

There probably isn't much follow through. The kid didnt feel the need to apologize and he watch his mom count to ten. Either this kids parent ALLOW this maniac act like this due to not following through with punishments or this kid has Lance Armstrong denial of PED size BALLS. Well I guess Lance's ball (singular) isn't that big if he did take steroids. Well that's the rumored side effect of that any ways. 

No follow through. Yes your kid will get upset. Get over it!!!!  They will... eventually. Your job as a parent isn't to be their best friend, it's to raise a person who will eventually be a positive part of the community not jail. 

Follow through. It's good for them. And will save you a few gray hairs down the road.

Building them up.

Building confidence

"DADDY, SAVE ME". My son screamed in his first time in swim class just a few days ago. He was not pleased to be in the pool with a total stranger that he met 10 mins prior. He cried.  He tried to climb out of the instructors hands.  

Even though he wasn't really participating, I was cheering him on in all the little things he was willing to do. He crab crawled on the wall. Now even though he has been doing this for a year and a half now. I cheered him on like an over enthusiastic little league dad. I clapped hard. I cheered loudly. I let him know that I was watching and he was doing a great job. Throwing the pool toy. Putting his head under water. Blowing bubbles. You would of thought my son was trying to make the US Olympic squad. I was letting him know that he can do this. Afterwards I mentioned "How PROUD of him I was" about 30 times in the 3 hours from when he classed ended and when he fell asleep. In hopes that the next class would be a better day.

AND IT WAS. All the other parents were shocked. SHOCKED. That my crying and screaming mini me was not only participating in the class but excelling in it. He was jumping in to the pool. Swimming under water. Even cheering his classmates on.

To build up your child's confidence, all they need is....Praise. Positive reinforcement. This isn't boot camp. They don't need to be torn down to be brought back up. They are toddlers, babies, high schoolers.

Building confidence means being a - mirror/positive self image
It's like how Justin Timberlake said in "Mirrors"

It's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me
I couldn't get any bigger
With anyone else beside of me
And now it's clear as this promise
 (and that went just a bit to long)

A lot of your child's self-image comes not only from what the child sees in him/herself, but from how they think others see them.This all comes from reactions that parents, friends, and family make. My son said  "Daddy, I'm a shy boy". I asked him why does he think this? "Because (his preschool friend) said so". I told him "Buddy you're not shy. You are very brave. You approach kids in the park and make new friends all the time. Now would a shy boy do that?" He stood there for a moment and thought about what I said. "No".

I was at my nephew's little league basketball game. I noticed that the coach never once gave one compliment to his team. AND THEY WERE UP BY 20 at one point! It got so bad that he coaches son litterally just stop dribbling and slammed the ball down. Other parents were joing in and you could tell by the 3rd quarter and up by 17 the kids didn't care.  They checked out. So I just started yelling louder and giving props to these 6th-8th graders. They started playing harder. They finished strong. Once the game was down I walked up to few kids, gave them some props in person and a few pointers. The next game was the championship game and they won by 20 after they were considered the underdogs.

Building confidence also means  - Playing/having fun together.
Kids associate a lot of there confidence to play time. It sounds weird but I tell you its true. If your kid is sitting alone in their room and playing by themselves they will think they are boring and not fun. So the moment you see your kid playing by themselves and you are reading your facebook feed or twitter news. Put down the phone and give them some play time. AND JUST PLAY. Don't critique them. Don't tell them "that's not how this works", "superman doesn't need a plane", just play. Have fun.

Building confidence also means - Don't be fake.
Kids can read you better then you think. They know when they are being bamboozled by a phony voice and smile. You don't have to be the "Wiggles" or "Barney" every time. When they do something and you're not on your A Game because you haven't had your mocha latte yet. Don't fake the funk. But when you do have that sweet sweet caffeinated drink coursing through your veins, bring up that "thing they did again" and be a little more energetic about it.

Help them build a positive self image by giving them praise/cheering them on, spend time with them, and don't B rated movie fake.

Pretty simple right. 

My son calls super heroes by their first name

    (My son and I dressed up as superheroes on our way to trader joes, because he refused to let me change) 

Side note - the cape was my Christmas present from him. He is awesome. 

"Ironman is Tony Stark, I'm Tyson" - my son yelled to a lady when she called him Ironman.  The lady apologized. As she should. The real ironman is definitely not 3 feet tall. Idiot. 

My son calls super heroes by their secret identity. I believe it's because he feels they're on the same level. He calls Superman - Clark kent, the hulk - Bruce Banner, Spider-Man - Peter Parker, wolverine - Logan. But where my son takes it to far is Batman. My son has the nerve to call The Cape Crusader -Bruce Wayne. The nerve of this kid!  I kept correcting him and every time he looks at me like I'M THE ONE OUT OF LINE! The balls on this kid. The Dark Knight he calls by his Christian Name! Who the hell does my son think he is!? 

All jokes aside he takes this superhero business serious. He wants to learn the secret identity, how did he get his powers, what can his powers do, who is he friend with, and does he have a cool ride? 

He asks these questions a few times but he get them down and then has the need to remind the individual who taught him this shit. I'm like "dude, I was in comic books back when "one rolled up pant leg" (a la LL cool J) was cool. 

I'm hoping this calling superheroes by their government name is somehow weirdly connected to his confidence. And that he sees superheroes as equals because he feels he is equally as cool. 

I'm so tired. so so tired

My sweet little princess is teething. Thank you for your sympathy my fellow parents. Last night my little baby girl woke up 4 times last night. At 230pm today it feels like she was up every 15 minutes. If someone were to give me the option of being water-boarded torture or sleep like i did last night. I would of picked torture. And on top of all of it I'm sick. Yeah me! Where is my sympathy parade! I want CONFETTI!!! 

That is all. 

Informing your first prisoner he is about to get a cellmate.

When my wife told me that she was pregnant, I was extremely excited. But then I remembered.....we already have one.

How are we going to get our little man on board with the thought of having another monster, I mean, beautiful little darling child running around. (just in case if in the future my children are reading this...daddy loves you) How are we gonna make sure that our 1st continues to feel the attention he needs and make sure that #1 continues to feel loved. All these questions!

The first thing we did was explain to child numero uno (and that's not in order of importance, but order of birth) that mommy has a baby in her belly. And number 1 is going to be a BIG BROTHER! if i could put his reaction into words it would be "joy, mixed with confusion, dash of an off putting look, stirred with a hint of anger". 

(Brownie added to soften the blow) 

For my lady readers it was like the look you give a friend who is crazy slutty gets engaged before you. For my guys, imagine your happily married church going friend gets invited to the playboy mansion for the halloween party or any party for that matter it's the FREAKING PLAYBOY MANSION. (Both situations you're thinking it should of been me)

Then the announcing, the gatherings, and the congratulations occur! And the 1st one is feeling neglected. So we did a lot, A LOT of prep work. As if we were getting him ready to take the BAR Exam. We dropped DOLLA DOLLA bills y'all on books and movies (ill list these at the end). We even called his curious George monkey (this auntie Kristin) his "baby". He even put a diaper on it. Even for this guy, it was cute.

So the day arrives número dos is here (once again not in order of importance or favoritism just birth order). It's time to do the meet and greet. My wife read when you're gonna introduce the siblings have the new born in the crib incubator push cart thing and have the older sibling sit with mommy and introduce the baby to him. That way he/she isn't walking on the new cool guy snuggling up with his momma. So that's what we did and it went PERFECT! We also told our little guy that his baby sister brought him a present as a thank you for sharing his mommy and daddy. The deal was sealed. He was/is in love with his baby sister.

Now the reality sets in. You're home with the baby. And now #1 is feeling a little neglected. People are coming over to visit the baby. They're gushing, gooing, and going crazy over a new baby. 

One thing all those stupid big brother books didnt mention was how the parents are going to be when the baby is here.  We didnt explain to him that new babies don't sleep well and mommy and daddy will be on edge for awhile. So maybe cut back on the "Mickey Mouse club house" demands.  It didnt explain that babies need lots of attention because they can't do anything. And it sure as hell didnt explain that mommy and daddy won't be able to just put the baby down and play. Fucking books! I want my money back! 

My wife and I made a conscience effort to make sure little man doesn't feel neglected. That means "man on man defense". We can't both be focused on the baby. Sure for short moments, but we can both just be staring at the newest release for hours on end. 

So we planed "mommy son dates" and "guys nights" an "just the three of us" times. 

Here is what we did when the newest version is released to the home.

"Mommy dates" - 

When mommy and little man go do something special they obviously cant go far, she's got the boobies!  So maybe a quick trip to go get ice cream, pick up a some food (phone it in if you can) or even just a trip to the store. 

Guys nights- 

little man and I would go to the restaurant and live like KINGS! Make a mess and not flinch. (Just kidding dont be a douche- that's the opposite of Dad Swag) we would go to the park. Go feed ducks. Some fun stuff

"Just the three of us" - 

Have a family member come over to watch the baby (most granny's will cut someone for this time). Now you three go somewhere close by and just enjoy your 1st born. Wife and I did picnics at the park down the street, ice cream run, 

What's really important during these times is you stay off your I-suck or your An-douche and keep total focus on your kid. This is their time not yours

Now some of you might be thinking what's the bid deal? I have siblings and we didnt need to do all this. Can you remember when you were 3 and had to divide your parents attention. 

Just imagine your spouse or significant other  tells you "that there is another person they love and he or she is going to be living with us. That's how your kid(s) is taking the news of adding another child in this house. Oh the betrayal of you bastards. How dare you ruin this perfect ecosystem by bringing in another person into his/her home! 

Maybe you're one of the lucky ones where your first child always wanted a little brother and sister. That's awesome! Good for you. I hope all the best. Still prep the shit out them. Becuase their world is about to get ROCKED in a few months.

Wow this one was lengthily. I hope I kept your attention through it all. Just remember prep and make them still feel special once the newest version comes. 

Be that Dad with SWAG!

The two I recommend the most -
ICE AGE - Dawn of Dinosaurs (their having a baby - helps explain the baby is in the belly)
One Special day (book) - about a boy becoming a big brother

For questions, comments, concerns email me at thatdadswagblog@gmail.com

Sleeping in my arms. It's cute until gotta do some shit!

My baby girl isn't feeling well. So for her 2nd nap of the day (which I plan and time carefully at the same time as big brothers nap) she is sleeping in my arms.  I just lay back in our recliner turn on the tv And enjoy some (sort of) alone time. But today I passed out in the chair. I woke up to my own snoring. Seriously. It started me, which startled her. So you know go f#%< myself right? So I jump up and start bouncing and shushing her back to dream world. (Side note - I bounce and pat bottoms so much that when I'm at work and I start to feel tied and start doing that WITH NO CHILD IN MY ARMS!! This is the life I chose). So she's back asleep and now my stomach goes "hey, remember those delicious cheese fries you made last night?" Yes I do stomach, why do you ask?" "Because I'm all done with it now. So......" "No please no. Just wait. Please not now. Lets hold off until my wife gets". "That's a negatory we need to make the delivery". FFFFFFFFFF&&&&&&&&&&%%%%%%%%%%%%<<<<<<<!!!!! So I try to put Peaches (my daughters nickname) down in her crib. And I full on Usain Bolt to the porcelain shrine. Then Peaches starts shrieking like a wild demon banshee. And my stomach goes "Oh, my bad. False alarm". Are you kidding me stomach!!!!!!????!!! Really?!?!???!? My arms are tired. I hate you stomach. 

A sixth sense moment

So my little mini me comes up to me and says "Daddy, I see a lot of people on the couch and chair". Seeing that my wife and daughter are the only other ones in the house. I got nervous. "So who do you see buddy?" I replied. He stops and smiles "Mommy and baby girl, and.........(me getting a little nervous) jake and the never land pirates!" Oh thank God.

I thought my little man was about to drop some 4th dimension type stuff on me and I was not prepared for. Nor do I have any Holy water laying around. We would have been at the nearest 4Star (I don't have 5 star money) hotel and the next day some exorcist type stuff would be taking place with a all star team of pastors and priests. 

Sometimes I wish I could punch my son in the face!

Your sweet little child out of nowhere transform into a maniacal monster.

 
Nothing you do will calm them down or get them back on track to being a functioning member of the family. You hate to say it but you just want to punch that little monster in the side of his stupid face! But you can't, because that my friends is child abuse.You try to debate yourself "maybe a soft jab just to set the tone" and let them know you're serious. Just kidding, don't hit your kid. Seriously. Please don't. Can't stress that enough.

What seems to work for my wife and myself (when I have the patience and remember that I'm the parent) we just ignore our little terror. It usually lasts another 2 minutes. Sometimes 10 seconds others 5 minutes of pure Water boarding torture tantrum. But he finally calms down and starts to cry out of embarrassment. That's when I subtly smirk to my self and say "Who's gonna protect this house! Under armour!" And I do a little dance. Nothing that stands out just simple robot or maybe a quick 2 step and spin, and sometimes I spike the football and pound my chest. 

But what you do after the celebration dance is just as important as the dance itself.  Sometimes I'll just walk up and hug my little demon spawn and tell him "I love you buds. Daddy will always love you (under my breathe though "just not when you being an unbearable shit monster") you just need to listen and OBEY to mommy and daddy." We throw in the "Obey" in with the "listen to mommy and daddy" because we all "listen" to our parents.!I just don't jump on the crap my mom tells me about. 

"Alba, go to Walph's (Ralph's) they have 4 apple for one dolla" (my mom can't pronounce Rs to save her life). And I respond "mom I don't care about apples. I'm not driving 15 mins out of my way with 2 kids just to buy apples...... Drop the APPLES mom! ...... Drop it!..... Yes money is important, it is important to save! .......Your right money doesn't grow on trees. ...... Yes, apples do grow on trees. I said DROP THE DAMN APPLES!!  

Sorry got off topic there. Let's get back to matter at hand. 

We then go over what he did that caused the meltdown and why mommy and daddy decided what we did. 

It seems to help for us. Hopefully it will help for you.

Now if you're in a public place when that poltergeist demon starts to come out. Just hug them. Pick them up, pull them away from the commotion and hug them. If your kid is the type that needs a few minutes of space, give it to them. Wait until they calm their silly tiny asses down and then try to calmly talk to them.  

Shouting begets shouting. Try using this during a serious public meltdown: the whisper.

The next time your kid starts acting all drunk Alec Bladwin voice mail crazy, just start whispering.  Do it with a smile on your face. Watch the confusion flood their face and see them stop what they're doing and walk over to you. When they ask "what are you saying daddy?" you swoop them up and say "I love you" and spin them around. Their anger turns to laughter and they are happy again...

Key talking points -

We all sometimes want punch our lil' angel, but don't.

Use the ignore method. Then dance.

Use the whipser in a public setting. Then hug them. 

Let's stop being the "the angry dads" it didnt really work on us. Lets game the change. 

Lets be the Dad with Swag. 

Quick story : just sleep in your pee!

It's 3AM and my 3 year old son starts screaming "daddy my bed is sweaty!" I'm so tired from my 3 month old daughter waking up every 7 seconds (what it felt like) that I didnt make the the connection that "beds don't sweat".

I walk into the bedroom of this screaming banshee. And see a pee spot the size of an extra large pizza. I take off his pants, shirt, and his pull up (thank you Huggies for your inadequate "night time" product.) I then put the new clothes and pull up on.  And told him to sleep in a spot next to the pee. Seriously. I told me son to just sleep 6 inches to the left. He looked at me, then back at the spot, then back at me. And screamed "I need my bed changed too!" 

I threw a mini tantrum in my head that was the equivalent of a small tribal jungle war. If my son was a grown man. I would be in jail right now. 

So I switch his bed sheet. As I was walking away. He said "daddy"? I turned around and said what? He runs up to me and said he needed a "big hug and kiss." 

Man I hate my son when he is being cute and I'm pissed at him. 

Smile, it's good for you.

My 3 month old daughter smiles at me when  I'm rocking her to sleep. She will partially open her eyes and will give a big smile. It's one of the greatest feelings in the world. 

As Dads with Swag, we should smile more. To our kids, spouses, family members, in-laws (yes even your in-laws), and extended family (even the ones you can't stand), and coworkers. 

You're having a rough day. Bills are due. Car is acting up. Company is thinking of down sizing. Not your kids fault. Not your spouses fault, or in laws. So smile to them. Especially your kids. They shouldn't have to deal with your stress and worries. Let them be kids. You just got off then phone with your Bank's customer service an they "couldn't help, but understood your frustrations". Keep smiling. It'll only help you and your family. 

Some reasons to smile more: 

Smiling helps reduce stress. When you have less stress your immune system is able to work and produce the antibodies it needs to fight sickness. So you get healthier on top of it. It's like a double down on black jack. Boo-ya!

Smiling create endorphins in your body to help get in you in a better mood. Having a shitty day? Then smile that bitch in the face and just like Jay-Z said "gotta, get, that, dirt off your shoulder". Plus smiling makes haters hate even more. 

Smiling helps you be more productive. Now that sounds corny as shit. Trust me I know. But think about a job or a task you do that you absolutely hate. Me its folding clothes at work. I'm thinking "why the fuck am I doing this? This pile is going to get tossed around like some sorority girls trying to show they can play football any damn way". So it takes me twice as long to accomplish because all I'm doing is cursing my boss in my head. Now think of a job you like to do. Your smiling, dancing (sort of), singing (off key) and that shit gets done in a flash. Just try to put your self in a better mood when you're resubmitting that cover sheet on that TPS report. For all of you who don't get that joke click on the link below. For all of those who do. Good job being awesome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fy3rjQGc6lA&sns=em

Now it's not difficult to smile. That sounds dumb. I know. I felt bad writing that there. But it's not. But people seem like they don't know what to do when a smile is given to them. Here is a clue.....you smile back.  It's not hard, I'm not asking you fireman carry a baby kangaroo. I'm just smiling. That is all. 

Another reason to smile is... Your a dad with SWAG! 

Daddy, do you have a hydrangea?

 Who remembers watching Kindergarten cop? Now do you remember that part where that little bowl hair cut kid stands up and says "boys have a penis, girls have a vagina."?  Classic.

So my son who is about to be three is learning what makes boys and girls different. YEAH!!!! Time for awkward questions about genders in public places in front of complete strangers!!!!! 

My mini me and I are in the mall. I don't remember why. I don't even remember if we accomplished the purpose of going there. But he stops me in front of a group of stay at home moms and says "daddy, how come i don't have a vagina?"  Well buddy, you're a boy and boys have (interrupted)  "A PENIS!!!!!! AAAAAAAA!!!!" Then he begins to run around in circles like he is terrified of the terrible penis getting him. I look up at the ladies who are laughing and politely acknowledging the awkwardness. I tell them we are explaining the differences between boys and girls. They all make comments along the lines of "been there", "can't wait for that talk", and "isn't it a little early for that talk".  A few mothers chimed in that it isn't and I used that as my queue to move the awkwardness along to ...... Where the hell are we going?

I know some parents that get uncomfortable with this topic. I don't understand why though. It's natural (like farts and poop) for little boys and girls to want to know why mommy,daddy, or baby brother or sister have different parts down there. Kids are inquisitive. And that's a good thing. 

Some parents decide to go with the "front butt" or "who ha"and the "pee pee". I think that eventually confuses the kid once they start learning the words penis and vagina. 

Be direct, short and sweet. It's better you talk to your kid then someone else. To your toddler that body part is no different then any other appendage and characteristic he or she has. Just call it what it is. It's called a penis buddy. Or a vagina dude. Then the dreaded "Why?" Comes. There to helps us go to the bathroom. "Why does mommy have a hydrangea?" Well buddy God made girls and boys different and unique.  (If you're not religious then.....I don't know how to answer that-good luck)

Don't be scared to talk about penises and vaginas. Just like I said in the beginning if you don't someone else will. Like some twisted kid who'se parents neglect and he is allowed to roam on the dangerous Internet by himself. He gets curious and types "boobs" and pictures come up. And one thing leads to another and now this demented weirdo is teaching your kid about private parts. So just jump in talk about it. 

Just remember 

Keep it simple

Use the real words

God made us different 

And to use the potty.

I'll leave you with a little convo with my little man. 

Mini me - daddy I don't have boobs. 

Me - you're right buddy. Boys don't have boobs 

Mini me- daddy, you have boobs.

Me - (depressing sigh) sort of. I have pecs. They look like boobs because daddy hasn't had a chance to work out. 

Mini me - yeah. You need to work out.

Me- are you trying to be hurtful? 

Mini me - no daddy. I love you. And I don't have boobs like daddy. 

Me- ok, it's now bed time. 

That Dad Swag. 

You're not Brett Farve, you need nice Jeans

You’re not Brett Favre, you should spend a bit more on your denim.

“Brett Favre wears normal jeans.”

That’s what a customer told me once he was “blown away” by the “absurd” price of jeans we sell at Nordstrom. I then followed his comment with “Well, Brett Favre is a Super Bowl champion he can wear whatever he wants. But I really doubt he wears those 25 dollar pair of jeans he slangs in the commercial.”  The gentleman took a few seconds to process my response. Realizing he himself can’t hurl a football 50 yards down field on a deep corner route in double coverage, bought the jeans I was showing him.

Huddle up! Let’s bring it in!!

Now for the past few years most of you have been playing it comfortably “safe” with your “relaxed” fit jeans. It’s a new era, new rules, and new game. We need to step it up.  We need to adapt. We need to get into the game with our heads held high and our pant legs tapered and hemmed properly.

Now, I’m not saying buy the same pair of jeans as that hipster kid you saw at the coffee shop. That teenager hasn’t fully reached manhood yet and doesn’t understand what leg muscles are.  

I am strongly against “skinny” jeans on men. I don’t think any guy should wear them. No matter what the purpose is, unless you’re the front man of some new indie band.  Then never ever wear “skinny” jeans.

So now you understand my feelings to “skinny” jeans. Lets move forward amicably.  There are many different cuts, styles, and washes of jeans.  The three normal cuts in most designer denim are:

 “Skinny”

You see how the jeans contour so much to the legs and leave a whole lot of negative space between the thigh area.  I feel like this guy must not be comfortable in the “crotchal” region.  They almost look like women’s jeans. Which actually is where the skinny look derived from. Thank you punk rock/emo bands that became popular and caused the "hipster" kids to imitate you and wear f'n women jeans! Women  jeans! Really? Dudes who wear skinny women style jeans are the "anti-butcher" because they ain't packing in the "meat" department. 

“Straight Leg”

Still a little slim but not skin tight. There is a bit of fabric that hangs off in the thigh and knee area. Which some of you may not be used to but trust me, it's ok. you can do it. And should for you, your lady, and the rest of the dads with swag out there. You also get a break on the shoe, since it isn’t tapered. I appreciate it, because you can wear a wide range of shoes with this break. Also you can roll the cuff up and join in on that trend. 

Or the dreaded “relaxed”

You get a lot of room with the relaxed look. It looks sloppy to me. There is just so much fabric that is hanging.  It looks like you are wearing your dad’s jeans. So good job little guy on trying to look like an adult. This jean is for the older guy (50s and above) who no longer care on what's cool. 

Or 

If you're a profession athlete or weight lifter and have enormous thighs. This will give you that room. If your not a professional athlete or weightlifter. You shouldn't go relax fit. 

Now you need to go out to your local clothing store say..... Nordsrom at the Shops in Mission Viejo and try on some jeans.

Be That Dad with Swag.

It's not the 1960s anymore

"Outfit. What man says OUT-FIT" was the reply I was given after I complimented this 1960s generation man on step up from his normal Under Armour jacket and tear away pants (as if he is the sixth man for the Lakers about to get called off the bench or at any moment he may hear Warrant's "Cherry Pie" song, and show no mercy to the tear away and go Full Monty on us)  he usually dons for an evening out on the town.

-2 hours earlier.
I was just standing there watching the game on tv. Minding my own business. When a family friend of close to 30 years my senior approached me. He congratulated me on the news of my 2nd child being conceived.  Yeah for UNPROTECTED SEX!!!! Anyways, this man whom I respected begins to share his personal views of stay at home dads. (He being completely unaware of the fact my wife and I were talking about me being the primary "day care" parent and that I just got hired for a part time job at Nordstrom.) He begins to state that "the country is going to hell" and that "we need more men, real men and not these (insert air quote hands) metro sexual men". I just laughed because what else could I do. Get into a heated argument right after he and his lovey sweet (very opinionated) wife just congratulated us on having UNPROTECTED SEX. Yeah you didn't use condoms!!!  O' to the miracle of creating a child and all the unwanted tips, advice, and opinions that come with it.  So I think to myself "F--- IT I'm a grown man. I'm gonna say something". So of course after the excitement of the UNPROTECTED SEX news energy dies down the normal guy questions get asked. "So how's work, are you still working at that law firm"? (AH yes my moment) So with a smile on my face I said "I took a job at Nordstrom in the Men's Department". The reaction was just what I was looking for. Mouth slightly opened, eyes getting wider, and the thought of "Is he one of those Metro Sexual guys I was just blasting an hour ago" running around in his mind.

Back to the game. There's a few cheers. A few boos. A few more booze. Then I get asked "So, Nordstrom huh"? "Yeah". "I heard their a good company to work for." "Yeah, I'm excited. You know I like to dress up". I get a compliment for what I was wearing. I then give a compliment back "yeah, I been meaning to compliment you on the outfit you put together".  That's when I get hit with the "Outfit. What man says OUT-FIT".

Its a New Era. More and more men are putting effort into how they look. More and more men are getting in the kitchen. And more and more men are staying at home. I would like to give a shout out to all the bra burning ladies for demanding equal pay, job opportunities, and rights. God Bless ya. Because now instead of dealing with that rush hour 405 death sentence traffic, I'm watching Elmo teach my kid that it is important to wash your hands after using the potty. (To wit, it really is)  While eating a bowl of cheerios, in my jams jams.

Its not the 1960s anymore.

"So don't usually ladies work at clothing stores"?

I usually have Mondays and Wednesdays off from work. So those are the days I take my mini me to a park by my house. I normally meet my friend who is a full time stay at home dad and our kids normally run around (sort of playing) together.  While we are discussing are fantasy football teams and how Kaepernick torched the Packers in week 1 (thank you for doing practically NOTHING from then on COLIN) another dad in his mid 40s comes stomping up with his kid as if he would rather sit in a bunch power point presentations then play tag.

Now my buddy and I usually greet other parents that come walking up and immediately explain which kids are ours.  And this tool made it very clear that "my wife is sick so I HAD to take a day off to BABY SIT my kids" (A note to you dads or future dads YOU'RE NOT BABY SITTING YOUR OWN KIDS) So my buddy and I go back to talking football. Mid level guy all of a sudden perks up like a dog that heard the word "walk". Mid level guys begins to brag about the Patriots. (Side note for you all who dont pay attention to football, before this season started the Patriots refused to pay their best receiver so he left for Tom Brady's  rival. Their 2nd best weapon kept pushing back his surgery to repair his back and knee. And if you havent heard of Aaron Hernandez - Google it.)

So we get to talking to this dad. He is some mid level guy of some tech company not many people heard of. Yet he has the arrogance you would think Steve Jobs had once the IPOD was introduced.  Like this M------- F--------  invented something. He then asks what we do in this really off putting tone. My buddy said he is a stay at home dad to which this douche said "that's...nice". I then mention I'm a part time employee at Nordstrom. Then I get hit with the  "So don't usually ladies work at clothing stores"? I bit my tongue with my first reaction because I'm surrounded by toddlers so I just reply with "Yeah usually but I think guys have been employed or started companies like Nordstrom since the invention of Department stores".

Its not the 1960s anymore. Nordstrom was actually founded by 2 men.

"Honey I'm home".

I was shocked to hear that they're dads out there under 45 years old that come home and go straight to the couch and expect to do NOTHING in the home. They just rest their plumply jiggle after a milkshake butts on "their" chair and grab the remote. It BLOWS MY MIND. Especially when their wives work FULL TIME jobs too!!! Look idiot. If your wife works too. Then guess what you plopping your fat lard on the couch is the biggest sign of disrespect to your wife. If you wanted a maid you should of hired one. If you wanted a partner in the crazy journey called life, then get your ass up. Play with your kids or help slice a damn tomato! 

Right before I put the key in the door I take a deeeeeeep breathe and say "these are the people I love the most in this world". And I try my best to walk in with a smile on my face. Trust me, I get it. When you get home your probably a bit antsy and aggravated from a day at the office because some jack hole drop the ball on his end of a project you guys were working on and you got reamed for it. But that's not your wife or kids fault that you had a rough day. I had one friend who literally would walk in and completely GHOST his wife, head straight to the bedroom, get undressed and play video games on the computer. He would come out an hour or two later to eat dinner and then go back to the world of Nerd-Dom. 

I eventually told my "buddy" that what he does is pretty jacked up. He ended up changing his ways for about a week. Then went back to the present absentee father. The topic got brought up again and he so poetically told me to go mind my own business.  Unfortunately this guy is now on his 4th marriage. And we no longer talk. 

But you're not like that. You're a Dad with Swag.