Sleeping in my arms. It's cute until gotta do some shit!

My baby girl isn't feeling well. So for her 2nd nap of the day (which I plan and time carefully at the same time as big brothers nap) she is sleeping in my arms.  I just lay back in our recliner turn on the tv And enjoy some (sort of) alone time. But today I passed out in the chair. I woke up to my own snoring. Seriously. It started me, which startled her. So you know go f#%< myself right? So I jump up and start bouncing and shushing her back to dream world. (Side note - I bounce and pat bottoms so much that when I'm at work and I start to feel tied and start doing that WITH NO CHILD IN MY ARMS!! This is the life I chose). So she's back asleep and now my stomach goes "hey, remember those delicious cheese fries you made last night?" Yes I do stomach, why do you ask?" "Because I'm all done with it now. So......" "No please no. Just wait. Please not now. Lets hold off until my wife gets". "That's a negatory we need to make the delivery". FFFFFFFFFF&&&&&&&&&&%%%%%%%%%%%%<<<<<<<!!!!! So I try to put Peaches (my daughters nickname) down in her crib. And I full on Usain Bolt to the porcelain shrine. Then Peaches starts shrieking like a wild demon banshee. And my stomach goes "Oh, my bad. False alarm". Are you kidding me stomach!!!!!!????!!! Really?!?!???!? My arms are tired. I hate you stomach. 

A sixth sense moment

So my little mini me comes up to me and says "Daddy, I see a lot of people on the couch and chair". Seeing that my wife and daughter are the only other ones in the house. I got nervous. "So who do you see buddy?" I replied. He stops and smiles "Mommy and baby girl, and.........(me getting a little nervous) jake and the never land pirates!" Oh thank God.

I thought my little man was about to drop some 4th dimension type stuff on me and I was not prepared for. Nor do I have any Holy water laying around. We would have been at the nearest 4Star (I don't have 5 star money) hotel and the next day some exorcist type stuff would be taking place with a all star team of pastors and priests. 

Sometimes I wish I could punch my son in the face!

Your sweet little child out of nowhere transform into a maniacal monster.

 
Nothing you do will calm them down or get them back on track to being a functioning member of the family. You hate to say it but you just want to punch that little monster in the side of his stupid face! But you can't, because that my friends is child abuse.You try to debate yourself "maybe a soft jab just to set the tone" and let them know you're serious. Just kidding, don't hit your kid. Seriously. Please don't. Can't stress that enough.

What seems to work for my wife and myself (when I have the patience and remember that I'm the parent) we just ignore our little terror. It usually lasts another 2 minutes. Sometimes 10 seconds others 5 minutes of pure Water boarding torture tantrum. But he finally calms down and starts to cry out of embarrassment. That's when I subtly smirk to my self and say "Who's gonna protect this house! Under armour!" And I do a little dance. Nothing that stands out just simple robot or maybe a quick 2 step and spin, and sometimes I spike the football and pound my chest. 

But what you do after the celebration dance is just as important as the dance itself.  Sometimes I'll just walk up and hug my little demon spawn and tell him "I love you buds. Daddy will always love you (under my breathe though "just not when you being an unbearable shit monster") you just need to listen and OBEY to mommy and daddy." We throw in the "Obey" in with the "listen to mommy and daddy" because we all "listen" to our parents.!I just don't jump on the crap my mom tells me about. 

"Alba, go to Walph's (Ralph's) they have 4 apple for one dolla" (my mom can't pronounce Rs to save her life). And I respond "mom I don't care about apples. I'm not driving 15 mins out of my way with 2 kids just to buy apples...... Drop the APPLES mom! ...... Drop it!..... Yes money is important, it is important to save! .......Your right money doesn't grow on trees. ...... Yes, apples do grow on trees. I said DROP THE DAMN APPLES!!  

Sorry got off topic there. Let's get back to matter at hand. 

We then go over what he did that caused the meltdown and why mommy and daddy decided what we did. 

It seems to help for us. Hopefully it will help for you.

Now if you're in a public place when that poltergeist demon starts to come out. Just hug them. Pick them up, pull them away from the commotion and hug them. If your kid is the type that needs a few minutes of space, give it to them. Wait until they calm their silly tiny asses down and then try to calmly talk to them.  

Shouting begets shouting. Try using this during a serious public meltdown: the whisper.

The next time your kid starts acting all drunk Alec Bladwin voice mail crazy, just start whispering.  Do it with a smile on your face. Watch the confusion flood their face and see them stop what they're doing and walk over to you. When they ask "what are you saying daddy?" you swoop them up and say "I love you" and spin them around. Their anger turns to laughter and they are happy again...

Key talking points -

We all sometimes want punch our lil' angel, but don't.

Use the ignore method. Then dance.

Use the whipser in a public setting. Then hug them. 

Let's stop being the "the angry dads" it didnt really work on us. Lets game the change. 

Lets be the Dad with Swag. 

Quick story : just sleep in your pee!

It's 3AM and my 3 year old son starts screaming "daddy my bed is sweaty!" I'm so tired from my 3 month old daughter waking up every 7 seconds (what it felt like) that I didnt make the the connection that "beds don't sweat".

I walk into the bedroom of this screaming banshee. And see a pee spot the size of an extra large pizza. I take off his pants, shirt, and his pull up (thank you Huggies for your inadequate "night time" product.) I then put the new clothes and pull up on.  And told him to sleep in a spot next to the pee. Seriously. I told me son to just sleep 6 inches to the left. He looked at me, then back at the spot, then back at me. And screamed "I need my bed changed too!" 

I threw a mini tantrum in my head that was the equivalent of a small tribal jungle war. If my son was a grown man. I would be in jail right now. 

So I switch his bed sheet. As I was walking away. He said "daddy"? I turned around and said what? He runs up to me and said he needed a "big hug and kiss." 

Man I hate my son when he is being cute and I'm pissed at him. 

Smile, it's good for you.

My 3 month old daughter smiles at me when  I'm rocking her to sleep. She will partially open her eyes and will give a big smile. It's one of the greatest feelings in the world. 

As Dads with Swag, we should smile more. To our kids, spouses, family members, in-laws (yes even your in-laws), and extended family (even the ones you can't stand), and coworkers. 

You're having a rough day. Bills are due. Car is acting up. Company is thinking of down sizing. Not your kids fault. Not your spouses fault, or in laws. So smile to them. Especially your kids. They shouldn't have to deal with your stress and worries. Let them be kids. You just got off then phone with your Bank's customer service an they "couldn't help, but understood your frustrations". Keep smiling. It'll only help you and your family. 

Some reasons to smile more: 

Smiling helps reduce stress. When you have less stress your immune system is able to work and produce the antibodies it needs to fight sickness. So you get healthier on top of it. It's like a double down on black jack. Boo-ya!

Smiling create endorphins in your body to help get in you in a better mood. Having a shitty day? Then smile that bitch in the face and just like Jay-Z said "gotta, get, that, dirt off your shoulder". Plus smiling makes haters hate even more. 

Smiling helps you be more productive. Now that sounds corny as shit. Trust me I know. But think about a job or a task you do that you absolutely hate. Me its folding clothes at work. I'm thinking "why the fuck am I doing this? This pile is going to get tossed around like some sorority girls trying to show they can play football any damn way". So it takes me twice as long to accomplish because all I'm doing is cursing my boss in my head. Now think of a job you like to do. Your smiling, dancing (sort of), singing (off key) and that shit gets done in a flash. Just try to put your self in a better mood when you're resubmitting that cover sheet on that TPS report. For all of you who don't get that joke click on the link below. For all of those who do. Good job being awesome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fy3rjQGc6lA&sns=em

Now it's not difficult to smile. That sounds dumb. I know. I felt bad writing that there. But it's not. But people seem like they don't know what to do when a smile is given to them. Here is a clue.....you smile back.  It's not hard, I'm not asking you fireman carry a baby kangaroo. I'm just smiling. That is all. 

Another reason to smile is... Your a dad with SWAG! 

Daddy, do you have a hydrangea?

 Who remembers watching Kindergarten cop? Now do you remember that part where that little bowl hair cut kid stands up and says "boys have a penis, girls have a vagina."?  Classic.

So my son who is about to be three is learning what makes boys and girls different. YEAH!!!! Time for awkward questions about genders in public places in front of complete strangers!!!!! 

My mini me and I are in the mall. I don't remember why. I don't even remember if we accomplished the purpose of going there. But he stops me in front of a group of stay at home moms and says "daddy, how come i don't have a vagina?"  Well buddy, you're a boy and boys have (interrupted)  "A PENIS!!!!!! AAAAAAAA!!!!" Then he begins to run around in circles like he is terrified of the terrible penis getting him. I look up at the ladies who are laughing and politely acknowledging the awkwardness. I tell them we are explaining the differences between boys and girls. They all make comments along the lines of "been there", "can't wait for that talk", and "isn't it a little early for that talk".  A few mothers chimed in that it isn't and I used that as my queue to move the awkwardness along to ...... Where the hell are we going?

I know some parents that get uncomfortable with this topic. I don't understand why though. It's natural (like farts and poop) for little boys and girls to want to know why mommy,daddy, or baby brother or sister have different parts down there. Kids are inquisitive. And that's a good thing. 

Some parents decide to go with the "front butt" or "who ha"and the "pee pee". I think that eventually confuses the kid once they start learning the words penis and vagina. 

Be direct, short and sweet. It's better you talk to your kid then someone else. To your toddler that body part is no different then any other appendage and characteristic he or she has. Just call it what it is. It's called a penis buddy. Or a vagina dude. Then the dreaded "Why?" Comes. There to helps us go to the bathroom. "Why does mommy have a hydrangea?" Well buddy God made girls and boys different and unique.  (If you're not religious then.....I don't know how to answer that-good luck)

Don't be scared to talk about penises and vaginas. Just like I said in the beginning if you don't someone else will. Like some twisted kid who'se parents neglect and he is allowed to roam on the dangerous Internet by himself. He gets curious and types "boobs" and pictures come up. And one thing leads to another and now this demented weirdo is teaching your kid about private parts. So just jump in talk about it. 

Just remember 

Keep it simple

Use the real words

God made us different 

And to use the potty.

I'll leave you with a little convo with my little man. 

Mini me - daddy I don't have boobs. 

Me - you're right buddy. Boys don't have boobs 

Mini me- daddy, you have boobs.

Me - (depressing sigh) sort of. I have pecs. They look like boobs because daddy hasn't had a chance to work out. 

Mini me - yeah. You need to work out.

Me- are you trying to be hurtful? 

Mini me - no daddy. I love you. And I don't have boobs like daddy. 

Me- ok, it's now bed time. 

That Dad Swag. 

You're not Brett Farve, you need nice Jeans

You’re not Brett Favre, you should spend a bit more on your denim.

“Brett Favre wears normal jeans.”

That’s what a customer told me once he was “blown away” by the “absurd” price of jeans we sell at Nordstrom. I then followed his comment with “Well, Brett Favre is a Super Bowl champion he can wear whatever he wants. But I really doubt he wears those 25 dollar pair of jeans he slangs in the commercial.”  The gentleman took a few seconds to process my response. Realizing he himself can’t hurl a football 50 yards down field on a deep corner route in double coverage, bought the jeans I was showing him.

Huddle up! Let’s bring it in!!

Now for the past few years most of you have been playing it comfortably “safe” with your “relaxed” fit jeans. It’s a new era, new rules, and new game. We need to step it up.  We need to adapt. We need to get into the game with our heads held high and our pant legs tapered and hemmed properly.

Now, I’m not saying buy the same pair of jeans as that hipster kid you saw at the coffee shop. That teenager hasn’t fully reached manhood yet and doesn’t understand what leg muscles are.  

I am strongly against “skinny” jeans on men. I don’t think any guy should wear them. No matter what the purpose is, unless you’re the front man of some new indie band.  Then never ever wear “skinny” jeans.

So now you understand my feelings to “skinny” jeans. Lets move forward amicably.  There are many different cuts, styles, and washes of jeans.  The three normal cuts in most designer denim are:

 “Skinny”

You see how the jeans contour so much to the legs and leave a whole lot of negative space between the thigh area.  I feel like this guy must not be comfortable in the “crotchal” region.  They almost look like women’s jeans. Which actually is where the skinny look derived from. Thank you punk rock/emo bands that became popular and caused the "hipster" kids to imitate you and wear f'n women jeans! Women  jeans! Really? Dudes who wear skinny women style jeans are the "anti-butcher" because they ain't packing in the "meat" department. 

“Straight Leg”

Still a little slim but not skin tight. There is a bit of fabric that hangs off in the thigh and knee area. Which some of you may not be used to but trust me, it's ok. you can do it. And should for you, your lady, and the rest of the dads with swag out there. You also get a break on the shoe, since it isn’t tapered. I appreciate it, because you can wear a wide range of shoes with this break. Also you can roll the cuff up and join in on that trend. 

Or the dreaded “relaxed”

You get a lot of room with the relaxed look. It looks sloppy to me. There is just so much fabric that is hanging.  It looks like you are wearing your dad’s jeans. So good job little guy on trying to look like an adult. This jean is for the older guy (50s and above) who no longer care on what's cool. 

Or 

If you're a profession athlete or weight lifter and have enormous thighs. This will give you that room. If your not a professional athlete or weightlifter. You shouldn't go relax fit. 

Now you need to go out to your local clothing store say..... Nordsrom at the Shops in Mission Viejo and try on some jeans.

Be That Dad with Swag.